Coping With A Miscarriage

I didn’t think this would be something I’d want to share with the world, but I also never thought I’d be a statistic. So here goes my story. Don’t be offended if I make light of the situation, that’s how I cope. I write this for all of those people that don’t think it can or will happen to them, because I was one of them. And I write this not to scare you, but to educate and prepare you for anything!

Last month Wesley and I found out that Lincoln would be a big brother in the summer of 2012! We were so completely over the moon with excitement and at the same time, totally scared on how a second baby would change the easy flow and dynamics of our household. I had my IUD removed in September, but we were using the “family planning” method of birth control. Clearly we aren’t very good planners :/. We knew that growing our family was inevitable and a plan in the near future, but we didn’t realize the stars would align so soon for us. Hence, being totally scared… again. Nonetheless, we were elated as a family to give Lincoln a brother or sister.

I love wine and I think EVERYONE knows it. Anyone who knows me knows that I drink a glass of wine every evening. Because of this fact, keeping a pregnancy a secret from close friends and family is damn near impossible. Even though I hadn’t seen my doctor yet, I began telling those closest to me. We bought Lincoln a “big brother” shirt in an effort of creativity to tell family. The word was out: we were expecting baby #2 in June 2012… Just 1 month before Lincoln would turn 2.

We tried to go to my doctor in Georgetown on Monday, but he was delivering a baby and the wait was too long given it was Halloween and we needed to get L in his costume. This was only confirmation that after 12 years with doctor #1 that it was time to find a doctor closer to home. So I found doctor #2. Word to the wise, no matter how much you THINK you love your doctor, find one close to home!  We made an appointment for that Wednesday. Wesley, Lincoln, and I piled into a tiny room and met with the doctor who performed an ultrasound. He found the sac, but was unable to locate the baby. No worries though as he felt I was just really early. They took some blood to test my levels and would be calling the following day with results.

Thursday I called in and they told me my HCG levels were great, but my progesterone was a little low. Still no worries because I have no history of spontaneous abortions (miscarriages) and might just need progesterone supplements. I was scheduled to go back to the doctor the following Monday for a comparison levels test.

Wesley left to go hunting for opening of whitetail season… Something he never misses. Friday I started having some light spotting. Still no major worries because I had light spotting during my 1st pregnancy. But deep down I was definitely getting concerned. I tried to stay off my feet and had my mom over to cook dinner, help with Lincoln, and keep me company.

I went to bed Friday night and tried to stay calm. I woke up Saturday morning and when I went to the restroom I felt really happy to know the spotting hadn’t gotten worse. Then I looked down and to my slight surprise, major bright red blood.  And unfortunately, lots of it.

I. Was. Having. A. Miscarriage.

I called my mom to come over and then literally 30 seconds later Lincoln was waking up. I had to put my mommy pants on even though I was so sad and crushed inside. My mom made it over with Shipley’s donuts in hand, which makes most things better in my world. The bleeding and cramping continued throughout the day. Oddly, we went shopping to ease my discomfort and get my mind off things. Even though I was so sad I realized that it just wasn’t meant to be and then I looked at the bright side of things… I got to be skinny for a little while longer! Due to lack of cell phone service, I wasn’t able to talk to my husband until late Saturday. Finally speaking to him and hearing the disappointment and sadness in his voice made me want to cry in the middle of Nordstrom’s shoe department.

I’m still sad. Not at the loss of the actual baby (because I’m confident it was a blighted ovum and therefore, there was no baby), but at the loss of the idea of what grew in my head. We were so excited! I bought a shirt! I told my friends and family! I started thinking of names, would it be another amazing boy, or a beautiful princess? Would we get a new crib, how would I decorate the nursery, would I gain a ton of weight, or stay small, how would Lincoln react to my growing belly, would we get lucky with an exceptional sleeper and out of this world joyful child, and would Wesley and I find time for each other after 2 kiddos? I can tell you this much, with baby #2 nobody will know it until the “anything can happen” first trimester is OVER! I think the hardest part about having a miscarriage was having to tell all of the people. And some of those people had told people so then when I received a congratulatory message a couple weeks later I then had to tell that person. Ugh, that was definitely the most annoying part… that and the fact that I now have a Big Brother shirt for Lincoln that probably won’t fit when the next time happens.

Even though I’m sad, I realize that all of the above is still possible… Just not in June 2012. I was shocked to find out that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage (spontaneous abortion). To anyone who has dealt with a situation similar to mine, my heart goes out to you. I don’t wish this on anyone. November was a rough month for the Mack family.

We have Lincoln and for us, that’s more than enough. We realize that making a baby is more difficult and special than we originally thought. We took it for granted because making and growing Lincoln came so easy for us! But now, baby #2 will be that much more special and we can’t wait.