Why I Took a Risk for Motherhood

My daughter Caroline will be three in a few short months and I can say with certainty (and a lot of sadness) that I missed nearly two of those three years.  Because my job required me to travel during that time,  I primarily communicated with my daughter through Facetime and Skype. I know you’re thinking, and I agree, that’s terrible. In fact, reading it in plain black and white brings tears to my eyes.  What was I thinking? What kind of a mother allows herself to be away from her daughter in good conscious for that long? Well, someone like me.

I’ve always wanted to be a career woman. I never imagined myself as a mom; kids weren’t out of the question, but I didn’t dream of being a mom like many people I know–I wanted to be like my mom.She raised three smart (well, my brother is still 16 and questionable 😉 )and loving children primarily as a single mom, worked full-time to support her family through law school and then supported us by establishing her own law practice. She worked hard and I never went without.

Fortunately, I inherited her work ethic. From the time I was 16 years old working a part-time job, I had a go-getter attitude. It was never too late for a work text or email and no job was ever too big or too small for me.  That translated to my first post-college job with the Irving-Las Colinas Chamber where I literally spent an entire night at the office planning my first 700-person State of the City event. I always believed (and sort-of still believe) that to be a successful career person you have to be willing to give all of yourself to your work. As I got older and grew in my work experience, many things changed, but my desire to give all of myself never subsided.

When I learned I was pregnant with Caroline, I think one of my first thoughts after “Holy <bleep>” was “I’m not staying at home, okay?” Ultimately, though, I left the high-stress job I loved at the Irving-Chamber for a less stressful corporate job where I had the ability to leave at 5, if not earlier, to spend some pretty precious time with Caroline for the first six months of her life. Shortly after I accepted that job, however, we moved to Austin for a career opportunity for Matt.  That led to commuting journey #1: I commuted to and from Irving for seven months until I was able to find a job in Austin.

In December 2011, I was offered an opportunity to work with one of the nation’s best (per US News and World Report) charter management organizations in the United States. I blogged about it when I got the job. I LOVED that job. I worked more hours than I’d like to admit and, consequently, spent a lot of time away from my daughter, but I loved that job. It was originally based out of Austin, but I slowly started traveling and that led to commuting journey #2. Despite the travel schedule that evolved, I was privileged to create my own role over time and develop their communications “team” into what it is today. I was so grateful for the opportunity…until I wasn’t. One day, and I remember this day very clearly, I read a news story about an entire family who lost their lives in a tragic car accident. Just like that, they were all gone. I thought to myself, “What if Matt and Caroline were innocently driving back from school or the park and something tragic happened to them?”  I would have been six hours away with my laptop open and, most likely, wouldn’t have seen Caroline for the previous week. Now, I recognize that something equally tragic could happen now that we live in the same city, but that story changed my thinking. If something happens, I want to be a minute away, I want to know that I saw Caroline the day before and that I kissed her and hugged her less than 24 hours prior. Why it took me so long to get to that point, I’m not sure, but I finally did.

Around that same time, I was offered a potential semi-promotion at my job and a new job with a start-up organization in San Antonio. Hmm, growth opportunity at a place I love, but that requires long hours and time away from my child versus a new job at a start-up company with a CEO I know and trust that will keep me close to home. Tough call, right? Should I trade in my relatively high-profile communications job for the chance to sit on the couch while my daughter plays teacher with her two favorite dolls, Emma and Daughter?

I did every type of pros and cons list you can imagine: a true pros and cons list, an objective score card system, interviews with friends, family and co-workers and, ultimately, the test that determined it all, the good ol’ sleep on it test. I told myself before I went to bed one night that I was going to quit my job the next day unless I woke up in the morning and had weird anxiety about it, and I never did. It just felt right. I had sacrificed my time with Caroline enough and this was my chance to enjoy her toddler years while continuing to serve the communications and education world with my talents. I took the plunge. A bit of anxiety followed, but nothing a going-away game night party couldn’t cure.

I am happy to say that I am now two months into my new role as Director of Marketing and Communications for Choose to Succeed in San Antonio and not a minute of a day goes by that I regret the risk I took.  Sure, there are days when the luxuries of working for an established company aren’t there and I get a little nervous, but the way I see it, if worse comes to worse and for some reason San Antonio doesn’t need my organization to continue its work contributing to quality education opportunities in the city , I will at least be able to tuck my daughter in that night.