I first met my stepson, Caiden, when he was 5 years old, wearing Thomas the Train PJs. His dad and I had only been dating a few short weeks, but we both felt like we were headed for a long-term relationship and it just felt right to meet the most important thing in his life.

That’s rule number one for a step-mom: Accept that fact that you came second, therefore you have to share the number one spot.

Here’s what I’ve learned over the years as a step-mom:

1) You are NOT “mom”

This has been a really hard one for my husband to grasp. He constantly wants me to act like I would if I were his son’s mom (whatever that means), but I am not his mom. He has a mother already. It’s unfair to her for me to try to replace her just because he lives with us and it’s unfair to him for me attempt to take on an unnatural role in his life. I love him, support him, guide him towards becoming a better person, and I’m here for him when he needs me, but I am not his mom. I’m Chelsea.

2) Get a counselor and/or a drinking buddy, STAT

I’m not going to sugarcoat anything- step-parenting is not for the weak. It’s committing to a life in the trenches, so to speak, so be sure your relationship with your significant other is ROCK SOLID before agreeing to take on this role. You WILL need someone to talk to that can help you process your feelings and understand the challenging family dynamics, whether that’s a counselor or a good friend. I once read a blog post about this issue that said “silence is best” because “no one wants to hear you rant and rave about your experience”. When I read that, I thought, “I would never have survived!”

3) Your marriage must be #1 

Make your marriage a priority. Back your husband up on his parenting decisions initially, even if you disagree with them, because you can always discuss them later in private. Make time for pillow talk, date nights, couple’s nights, and vacations (sans the children). Also, let your stepchildren see you hug, kiss, cuddle, and laugh together. They need to see that your relationship is strong and secure in order for them to feel safe   as a family.

4) You have few or no “peers”

Don’t expect your friends who only have children of their own to understand what you’re going through. Being a step-parent is nothing like being a parent, even though you’ll hear the most obnoxious phrase – “just wait ’til you have kids” – almost weekly, if not daily. Step-parenting is like babysitting eternally, because even though you are the adult “in charge”, you never get to make a decision concerning the child without thinking about how the child’s parents may feel about your choice. This makes you second guess every decision you make, and you are always scared that whatever decision you make, will somehow negatively impact your relationship with the child, their mom, or your spouse. Also, other step-parent friends don’t know your specific situation and the challenging dynamics that go along with it. You’ll often feel in this alone so…again; not for the weak.

5) You missed a lot

When you birth a child and choose to raise that child, you have months and years of crucial bonding with them. You bond physically through cuddling, kissing, feeding, and nursing through illnesses. When raise a child half-time, or only see them on weekends and holidays, it’s damn near impossible to know them the way a mother does. Be patient with this process. Take time to get to know the child over and over again and realize that their likes, dislikes, even food preferences change rapidly. You will constantly be in a state of “catch up” and you’d better just forget trying to establish a routine. If they live with you, they’ll be with mom over the holidays and summer, and if they live with her, they’ll be with you summer and holidays. Your expectations and your “routine” will need to be flexible.

Common mistakes you should try to avoid:

• Being greedy with their father. Allow them to have their date nights and playtime without you around, too.
• Expecting instant bonding or instant family.
• Spoiling the child, being permissive, or attempting to “buy” your way in.
• Attempting to become a parent to them. Think of yourself as an aunt or a camp counselor instead and take on a loving, supportive role rather than “mom”.
• Having high expectations. Movies are misleading- ’nuff said.
• Badmouthing their mom or extended family to them.

Yes, being a step-parent is hard, but I know I am a much stronger person for having gone through it, Caiden is a better person for having me in his life, and my relationship with my husband is unshakeable!

Thumbs up if a step-parent has positively influenced your life!