This is our 3rd Sunday of the SUNDAY SPOTLIGHT series, where we feature one of our loyal readers and a post of their choosing. This is written BY READERS, FOR READERS! Are you interested in guest blogging for AMB? Email us at [email protected]!

Tonight we have Casey Bailey, fellow mom, AMB follower, and graduate from UT Austin {Hook ’em!}!

The Blender Family

What is that sound a blender makes when you are whipping up a milkshake or margarita or even baby food? That sound is the soundtrack to my life as a step parent and a mother. I often feel like I am in a blender with all the moving ingredients. This is why I call us the blender family, not blended.

As a younger version of myself, I never dreamed about marrying a man with children. This is likely true for most step parents out there. Why would I want to add an ex-wife, stepchildren, step-in-laws, and all the confusion that comes along with the package to my life? From an ex-wife who stays with us when she is in town to the ex’s mother declaring our son as my stepdaughter’s step-brother rather than half-brother to needing a genealogy system to explain to friends who all these family members are, this may not have been what I dreamed of specifically. It is, however, my reality.

I grew up in a blender family myself and my parents set a beautiful example of how it can be done. We vacationed together, on occasion we would have one family holiday gathering, we held birthdays and graduation parties together, and we could all come together for births or deaths or other even just dinner. This may sound to some like they took it a bit too far, but it worked for all of us. I have tried in some ways to emulate this behavior to make it better for me, my husband, our son who is one, and my stepdaughter who is six. It is not always easy.

Here are a few tips I recommend for those of you in a similar blender:

• Remember Why You Are Here – I can sometimes lose sight of why we are all putting ourselves through this situation, but then I remember it’s for love. My husband and I met and fell in love when his little girl was just under a year old. It was a tough situation to be in, but it is also a great one because she only knows and remembers me being in her life. She describes her family as her mama, her daddy, her new brother, and her Casey. That makes me melt every time.

• Let Yourself Come Second – My husband’s ex was in town recently because we relocated from Park City, Utah to Austin and my stepdaughter was with us for the summer. Her mom flew in to pick her up, but needed my husband to drive them around since she did not rent a car. I was jealous that my stepdaughter, husband, and his ex were all spending time together without me, but in the end I remembered that my husband would not see his little girl for a month. Then it made sense.

• Stay In Your Civil Comfort Zone – All of us will not be comfortable with my parents’ philosophy, or even with my allowing the ex to stay in our guest room while she was visiting this summer. For some that is not even an option because of the other party’s inability to be civil. Do the best you can with the situation you have. Keep in mind that what is best for the kids and what makes their lives easier is the goal. Be as civil as possible with the ex’s and always treat them with respect so you are setting a great example for all of your kids.

• Stop Trying To Control What You Can’t Control – This is probably THE hardest part for me. I like to know what is going on, or according to my husband, control things. I have a hard time with each household having different rules, bedtimes, chores, discipline, etc. To me it seems easier for everyone to adopt the same, but in our case that is impossible. I must learn to defer better to my husband since he is the parent, but it is also hard because I want to raise our son differently. So, this is an ongoing learning situation for me, but I know that I should be okay with knowing that each home is different.

• Allow Yourself Success – Instead of focusing on any negatives of being part of a blender family, focus on the love. Without your marriage, there is no family, and you love this family so work to hang onto it. Nurture your marriage and it will be your rock.

:: Do you come from a blended family or are you raising children in a blended family? What tips do you have? ::