After I aired my dirty laundry to all of Austin Moms Blog readers — a huuuuuuuge outpouring of support came in — from women who are miserable in their marriages and wondering how I came to my decision to file for divorce.
And others who have gone through the process and just wanted to offer me love. And there were others who wrote and offered prayers and support just because they could feel the emotion in my post. I loved each and every email and card that came in the mail! I wish I could have responded to them all!
I’ve always been an emotional girl. Always. I’m either 100% in or 100% out. There’s just no half way. You can probably tell from my writing that I don’t hold back much. When I’m angry, you know it. When I’m sad, I can’t hide my tears. Sometimes I wish I had a poker face and that I didn’t wear my emotions out there for everyone to see. And sometimes I’m glad that I can’t — because I’m anything but fake. Need an honest opinion when you shop for clothes? I’m the girl you take with you!
So how am I? Well — my days these days are either balls to the wall busy and getting things done. Or I am laying down and watching netflix and not responding to anything or anyone. And there’s just no telling why some days are so much more productive than others. Don’t get me wrong — I still get up at 5:30 and enjoy my coffee in the silence and then get my kiddos up and we all have breakfast together. I get them both to school and THEN my laziness starts (or not). But in the past two months since I filed, I’ve watched ALL of the Vampire Diaries (that’s five seasons, my friends). And ALL of Scandal and ALL of The Killing. That is a terrible amount of television. And then other days, I clean out closets and get bags and bags of things ready for friends and goodwill. Oh, and the house has never been so clean! All that sitting makes me feel guilty so I assign myself projects that I’ve always wanted to do but never had time for!
Anyway … some people compare divorce to grieving a death and I never thought that could be true but it’s really hard. I feel lonely a lot. I have zero appetite. I get sick of talking about what’s happening because I miss regular ole conversation. I feel guilty and sad and wonder what I could have done years ago to get a different outcome. I miss my family. I wonder what’s next for me. But most of all, I worry about my children. Watching them go through this has been absolutely heartbreaking. I pray and pray and pray — and my children pray more now than they ever have in the past. A dear friend gave us a children’s bible and we read from it every night and it’s been amazing.
But I still feel off from time to time — and on those days, I drink a little more coffee and watch a lot more television. And then when my kiddos get home — we do homework and play and go bike rides. We spend more time outside and together than we had in a really really long time. They don’t even ask for iPads or iPhones or the Wii anymore! So — there’s a positive that I love.
Where are we in the divorce process? No where close to a final settlement which sucks.
Thanks for sharing! Even in your seemingly “comatose” moments, you are moving forward! They don’t really have a manual for what you are going through. As you’ve discovered, the Bible comes the closest. In the words of Val Kilmer in “Tombstone,” (take that Dr. Phil), “there’s no normal life, there’s just’life!'”Live “your” life, run your race, and don’t let anything rob you of your “inner” joy! Praying for you guys!
My husband and I have both been through a divorce and I had two children when navigating what we call the gray area. A relationship/family that had a label/definition now doesn’t. You aren’t a family, you aren’t friends and you are alone! It is the hardest period, but you will get through it! Your 100% personality will continue to require you to ask for more for you, your children and life. Your children will make it through as well and it is hard to watch them navigate something we can’t relate to, but my kids get so much more of me now then they did then. I have energy for them, I am happy and life is full of goodness. Take care of you, this gray period is so hard, but so much good is on the other side. Love to you.
I love you, my friend. You are so unbelievably strong and will come through this much stronger!
This post was such a blessing for me today. At 8 am tomorrow I go to court to have my divorce decree finalized. I have cried so hard today I think it’s been a work out for my abs. Today is tough, tomorrow will be tougher, but the day after will be a tiny bit easier. You’re in my payers too, old friend!
I just found another article you wrote via facebook and I can so relate. I decided on divorce a few years ago and although it has been hard, for me, for my boys – I has been the best decision for me and in turn for them. They get a so much better mommy than they would have because I am a happier person now. But I can so relate to this article – you do grieve when you get divorced, as it is the death of a dream or plans or whatever. And I worry about my boys, every day and how this choice affects them. But I pray and I know that gods plan is better than I can imagine and I try to keep the faith of God’s plan. Prayers for you during this time and in the future – and keep moving forward.