Whoever said raising kids was easy probably didn’t have any or is just plain crazy. Baby struggles are one thing, but then they grow up a little. They turn into toddlers with their own way of doing things and a fresh vocabulary to talk back with. Add to that the strength of a full grown man when they don’t want to let go and the loudest screams you have ever heard and your world flips upside down. When they were babies, you were both working together to keep each other happy. Suddenly, those same babies are now little people full of independence and attitude. What is a mama to do?
Now, not all toddlers are the same. I’m sure some of you will say that yours are complete angels that never talk back and always just want to cuddle. I bow to you. I only know my own experience. When my first hit the two year old mark, I read all of the books and articles to prepare me for the terrible twos. I was set. Fortunately, he did not become that monster I read about. He somehow missed those terrible twos and was the best big brother and little buddy any mom could ask for even after my second was born. He helped me take care of him, understood that I had to give the new baby a little more attention at times and was an overall happy kid (with exceptions, of course). I was thanking my lucky stars.
Fast forward to my “baby” turning two and all hell broke loose. I don’t know when it happened exactly, but the terrible twos have hit him HARD. He talks back, throws things, screams and cries inconsolably for no reason at times. At least it seems like no reason to me. To him, I know it’s the end of the world. Add to that that my now four year old has decided that the little one shouldn’t be the only one to throw fits. He has decided to grant me his version of the terrible twos in a larger scale, the furious fours! Mind you, this doesn’t happen that often. In fact, when they are happy, they are the sweetest brothers in the world. When they do happen, though, get out of the way!
The tantrums occur mostly at home, thank goodness (I repeat…mostly). When they are mad, the combination of these two very strong forces has me wanting to hide under the covers until it passes. I know this is not an option, so I started re-reading all of those books and articles I read before plus everything else I could. Everything sounds all well and good, but do they really work? Here is what has worked for us so far:
Take a deep breath
Sometimes you just get so caught up in the moment that you react before you calm yourself down. Take a deep breath before reacting to the negative behavior. Chances are, you will avoid an even larger explosion because you will not be feeding into it yourself.
Don’t say too much
If they are in the middle of a tantrum, they are not listening to you. Catch some words they are saying and repeat them “you’re mad”, “you’re sad” “you do not like NO”. Once they see what you are doing, they will realize you are trying to understand the reason they are so upset and it will help them calm down enough to at least stop screaming.
Respect
They may be small, but they are people too. They have their own thoughts, and their own opinions (do they ever!) The key is to listen and try to understand their point of view. For example, your child starts screaming because they saw a helicopter fly by and want to jump on. Try to think about how your child can understand why that is not possible. Instead of just saying NO, try: “The helicopter already left.” “It’s too full and we don’t fit.” or “We don’t know the pilot, but if we ever meet him we can ask.” Whatever takes their mind away from that horrible “NO” they hear way too often.
Let them talk freely (once they have calmed down a bit)
Listen carefully to see what may have triggered the behavior so you can stop it before it starts next time. Don’t interrupt and avoid lectures at this time. Let them feel comfortable saying anything. This can help you avoid certain situations that may cause a breakdown.
Never take the love away
Do not ever refuse hugs and kisses as punishment for being bad (who knows how long they will ask for them) and do not reward with extra hugs and kisses either. You never want them to feel ashamed or too anxious about getting loves. Make sure that they know they are always loved for who they are and not for the things that they do.
Let them have their say
Let them make decisions about things and give them responsibilities. Let them pick books or where to play. Chores (when they are little) also make them feel empowered. They now have a purpose and can show you how good they are at it. I let mine do the dishes. They never actually get them clean and half of the soap and water ends up on the floor, but having them think they are helping me makes them so happy. I love it!
Be a team
Find activities that you can all do together as a team. This will help them feel like their spot in the family matters, but may also help siblings learn to play together better. What parent doesn’t want that?
Routines, routines, routines
I love routines. Make schedules and follow routines. Kids really feel more secure with a set schedule they can count on. It doesn’t have to be an all-day routine. Nap times, bedtimes, mealtimes are probably the most important routines to follow daily.
Special time and sweet talk
Make sure you take even a few minutes with each child to let them know how special they are to you every day. If you have the opportunity, try to do activities with each child separately so they can get the one on one time they so crave. This will help cut down on tantrums exponentially as they will know that at, say, bedtime they will have you all to themselves to talk to and cuddle with.
Be a good role model
Kids imitate the people they love. If your children see you get upset as soon as they misbehave, they won’t know any other way to be. If you yell, they yell. If you walk away, they will walk away from you, too. Children need to see that if those they love can calm down quickly and try to figure out a solution they can, too.
No matter what you do, remember that they love you more than anything in the world. They need you more than anything they cry for. They will be your friend when they are older if you respect them now. They are only this little once, be strong, be brave, be loving and be you. The toddler years will be gone before we know it.
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