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With this blog I am going to need a glass of wine. Feel free to join me, especially if you have children in high school.

One year. That’s how long I have left with my son. He’s not dying or anything like that but he is going off to college and I miss him already. He hasn’t even left yet but I know it is coming. This is his senior year of high school and I should be making the most out of every moment before he is gone, but we all know that won’t happen. There is too much to do in order to get ready to shuffle him off to be on his own. Pictures, announcements, college visits, test taking, application submitting, graduation, and then all of a sudden he will be packing up and driving off.

memories

Oh look! I need a refill.

From the time they are born we know that there is nothing we can do to stop them from growing up and leaving the nest but that doesn’t stop us from trying. We feed them well, we decorate their rooms like movie sets, we wait on them like royalty, and we devote the majority of our attention to them. Why would they want to leave? They do though, and they even come equipped with an onset of hormones and attitude that are supposed to make us want to push them out the door. However, fortunately for them, those attitude episodes don’t fool us for long. These are our babies and we know behind those smart mouths are our naïve bundles of joy that we are designed to protect.

Knowing something is going to happen and accepting something is going to happen is two totally different things. I remember hearing someone say to me to stop wishing my baby away. It took a few years but I finally understood that. I was tired of waking up every 3 to 4 hours so I wished he would sleep through the night, and then he did. I was tired of always carrying him so I wished he could walk, and he did. I was tired of having to pay so much for daycare so I wished he would start school, and he did. Now I am tired of him growing up and I wish for a chance to go back and do it all over again, but I can’t. I wished my baby away.

It is part of life and I get that. I also am aware it is a blessing to see my son grow into a young man and gain a little more independence each day. I even try to put a positive spin on it by looking at how far he has come in 18 short years. I know there are more moments of joy to come with this next chapter but it is still hard to accept the closure of this one. I am no expert but I also might be having a hard time with this because my middle child has moved up to 6th grade beginning middle school and my youngest is starting 5th grade for her final year in elementary. That might be adding to this negative attitude I have towards the empty nest that is inevitable. Maybe.

Oh look! The bottle is empty and I think someone is chopping onions near me.

As the school year begins, posts from moms of all walks will start filling newsfeeds. There will be the first time moms sad their baby is entering school. There will be the mom weary from entertaining her young all summer overjoyed to see the yellow buses drive up to her house. Working moms who don’t have to worry about childcare anymore and stay at home moms that will be surrounded by silence will take to social media and let forth their feelings on the internet. There will even be moms who are filled with grief as this is another reminder of a child they lost. Whatever mother you are, whatever phase you are in, remember there is always the next chapter and it never ends the same as the one before.

To my son who is on his path to independence, always carry with you this knowledge. You are the light of my life, my most infuriating irritant, and my proudest accomplishment. I wish I wouldn’t have wished you away so fast.

Tiny Grad

 

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