I might still be married if we hadn’t decided to have a baby.

Still lying under the sheets next to a beautiful man. Still wearing that heirloom diamond ring I loved staring at so much. Still cooking dinner for two (adults). Still hopelessly devoted to an institution I’ve had faith in since childhood.

If only my son hadn’t been born, I would still be coming home to a husband of my own. I would still be waking up on a Saturday to the sight of my young groom making me breakfast because he never forgot when I told him on our fourth date that pancakes always taste better when they’re made by someone else.

I blame my son for changing me. He’s to blame for what I saw staring back at me in the mirror ever since becoming a mother. It’s his fault that I am no longer married to his father because it’s his fault that I discovered my self-worth. I point the finger at him for showing me that I deserved more and for guilting me into the idea that he deserved more than to see his mother’s spirit wither away with each passing year.

It seemed that my baby’s sole motivation behind that first blood-curdling scream in the delivery room was to destroy the neurosis that blocked my heart. He will forever have to live with being the one to prove how wrong I was so many years before when I had the “revelation” that I was not capable of falling in love. This idea came about as I developed into a teenager then a young woman, and yet no matter how badly I wanted one of those countless dates to result in me falling head over heels, a compelling force of dread within me destroyed them all in countless ways.

So when the most good-looking 22-year-old kid I had ever seen walked into the restaurant I was working at and sat at my table, I felt lucky. If I was incapable of being in love then at least I could make a real home with the most handsome man that had ever asked for my phone number.

And even when reality hit me like a ton of disappointing bricks as my ex and I began to get to know the other, I still felt lucky. Although accepting his proposal would mean I would be forfeiting any chance of knowing what true love felt like, I also saw it as a fleeting opportunity. The ignorance of my youth accepted this was my fate, while our dreams of having a family of my own never dulled.

What a poor, stupid, shallow, and ridiculous little girl I was. 

And then our child destroyed it all. I remember holding him, just hours old, as I stared at his tiny form in complete awe. Finally, it happened. Finally, I had fallen deeply, madly, and insanely in love. 

I noticed his big brown eyes had not stopped studying my face since the moment he was placed in my arms. I felt self-conscious under his innocent scrutiny. As he was trying to decide who I was, my chest felt heavy with humiliation—who I was, who I had become, did not deserve the honor of having the title as his mommy.

Someone so perfect belonged with a strong, confident, and brave mother. Instead, I had become just another sad soul who had lost her head in her own Disney fantasies and the empty promises marriage brought.  A statistic. A prisoner in my own self-destruction. Too pathetic to stand up for herself, too much of a coward to walk away, too manipulative to allow my husband to do so, either. And for that, Mr. Flores, I am truly sorry. 

We both deserved more than the lie we were living, yet nothing could stop my heart from breaking like thin glass when I looked across the room at my husband. For I knew the foreign feeling of self-worth that began to course through my veins would only grow stronger each day as the love for my child grew. My now ex-husband later admitted that the new me, the mom me, was so palpable that he knew that with the birth of our son came the death of his pitiful little wife. I left him seven months later, and he never protested.

A seven-pound baby boy, the same baby boy we had prayed for night after night, both of us just kids desperate for unconditional love, abolished any chance of our marriage surviving by forbidding me to be anything less than the strong female role model every child deserves in their life.

Although I have yet to fall in love romantically, I have my child to blame for showing me that my heart will be capable when the time comes. 



  1. I see you are moderating comments. I’ve made two comments, thinking my first didn’t process because I was viewing via Facebook. The author of this article has written other controversial natured blog posts painting herself as a woman who owns and backs up her in your face choices. Moderating comments and selectively allowing a few dissenters tells me a very different story about how this author feels…definitely not confident in her choices. If you want to write about how great you are in fighting back against social stigma then own it.

    • Ariel, all of our comments are moderated to prevent spam; however they are not moderated to prevent an opposing view. We actually had a 300 person event this week that our team was preparing for so approving comments was not something were immediately able to do. Our apologies if it left you feeling frustrated.


  2. I think kim and Jenny’s comments were a little harsh. Who are they to judge when they DONT know the whole story? I like this post. And im sure there is more to the story than you just leaving because you had a baby. I know from personal experience having a baby makes you see things clearer sometimes. Best of luck to you and baby!♡

    • Yes, Katie, you could not be more correct! There is definitely (which I had wrong assumed it would be obvious) more to the story than what was written.

      However, some who chose to comment didn’t catch on to that or considered it but chose to take it offensively as a wife.

      Like you said, having a baby makes things much more clear, especially to those who are lost. And I am not ashamed to say that at 23 years old, I was lost.

      Thank you, Katie, for taking the time to comment with such wise words.

  3. I’m going to start with this. I do not…DO NOT…understand why people are using words like “twit”, “selfish”, and “self-centered” in comments by other moms. Mothers who are continuously facing the mom shaming battle…well, because we all do …all the time. To throw direct stones at Elisa, especially for sharing a very vulnerable moment in her life with others, astounds me. Who are you to truly be an advocate of children and other mothers by ASSUMING the overall reasons behind her direct actions. We DO NOT know the details of why her marriage was loveless and honestly, that doesn’t make it acceptable for us to be so judgmental.

    Let me follow up by saying…I am a child of divorced parents that TRIED to make the grass greener, that tried to make it work. They so wanted to give me a two parent home, because they felt it was necessary for my overall development. I am thankful they tried, but I am not thankful for the overall detriment and sadness it created regularly. Parents…well humans in general… can only shrug off pain/guilt/sadness/contempt for so long, until it becomes a deterrent or even a motivator for other futile behavior. My parents tried, but as I got older, I saw my mother become less self assured, resentful, and just mad. Everything she came in contact with, and even until this day, she has so much anger for all the pain and dismay that occurred in my house. “Why?” is my every day question. If she did this for me…”why?” To give me a more “stable” environment? Really…so my parents would compromise their happiness and it later reflect on me? So I could lose my mother to anger and overall doubt in all that she does? No. I promised myself that I would work hard at my marriage, but once my overall self worth was challenged, my positivity was removed, and my girls didn’t see the best example or best version of myself due to the situation I was in…that was when I would say NO. That’s not selfish, that’s real. That’s honest. That’s what everyone deserves.

    So yes, marriage is work, but you can only water it if the ground is still fertile. It’s tough being on the other side of that marriage that “tried to work”. If I could have my mom back…you know… the one that was full of smiles, love, and confidence, then I would have begged my parents to have separated LONG ago. My heart hurts to see her so resentful, even after they’ve been divorced for many years. So now people will judge her for not getting out of the marriage earlier. They judge her for being so negative and angry. They judge her for not being able to “move on”. So damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Oh, but “at least she tried.”

    So you tell me…what is right? To watch someone you love SO much become someone completely different and hurtful?

    So Elisa, it takes a very strong woman to know when to let go. I understand your son is NOT the ONLY reason why you left your husband (obviously there was a much larger issue there that you prefer to keep private), but your son was the catalyst to put you both first. Bravo for putting you both ahead of the what unfortunately was not a healthy marriage. Bravo for saying…NO.

    • As a married woman, Celina, I am so relieved that you understood EXACTLY what I intended for this post which was to applaud my child’s inspirational effect on me and not to bash marriage.

      I can relate to everything you said as far as what you witnessed in your childhood and the effects it had on your mother after, and like you, that is why I refuse to extend my stay when it only causes an unhappy mother which equals unhappy children.

      The name calling from our readers is shocking and although I hate to admit it, hurtful. I expected more from other mothers, expected the mom shaming and judgements to be something we are all trying to step away from. However, it is unfortunately a sad fact that it exists. Add to the fact that this is a blog and people can shame behind the comfort of their computer screen makes it more common.

      I wish I could just hug you right now because I feel there is nothing I can say to express the relief and appreciation I have for your reply to this post.

      Thank you so much, Celina, for understanding. Thank 1,000,000,000x!!!!! XoXoXo <3 😀

  4. I got married even younger and had a baby and then, more babies. There is such a thing as true marital love at a very young age but it involves more than attraction and it doesn’t go away because you get strong. It MAKES you strong. I think perhaps that was the point made here. When someone loves you and you love them, particularly in marriage, it does make it easier to stand up to the trials of life. Marriage isn’t always rosy and fun but when it really counts, you know you’ll have one another’s back. After 28 years, that’s my observation. Best of luck to you. It’s better that your child know what real love is than staying in a loveless marriage. As long the two of you can have mutual respect as partners in parenting, I think that is what matters. That takes real unselfishness! I wish you all the best.

    • Hi Ana!

      You are absolutely right that true love can be found at a young age, and with you being hapily married for 28 years is truly inspiring!
      I hope I didn’t come across as insinuating to anyone that I was too young to know true love because you’re living proof that that’s obviously not true. Many 23 year olds (and younger) are mature beyond their years, often more than people twice their age. Unfortunately, I was not one of those. I was very immature and delusional and most of all, impulsive.
      Because of that, I allowed myself to enter a marriage that was not meant to be, and suffered many painful consequences as a result.
      Thank you so much, Ana, for your comment and your well wishes for me and my son! I have no doubt that I will have a loving marriage like you, and your words have only strengthened that hope.

      Xoxo 😀

  5. Elisa,
    Thanks for sharing such an HONEST part of your life.
    I read very little blog posts but this one stuck out. And I read just because I was curious about the title.
    OMG. I did not know I would cry!!!!
    I love how you fell deeply in love for the first time with your baby! It’s such a different feeling!
    I read your post and I felt similar when I was pregnant during the first year of marriage and with child the second.
    Boy, was it hard! Especially with ALL OF THE CRYING. every night.
    Marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. If no one has experienced the same, kudos to them.
    I don’t think you just threw everything away.
    I commend you for writing about your life.
    My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years, 2 kids.
    It’s HARD!
    And we are lucky because we’ve had it easy. Neither of us drink, do drugs and we take care of each other.
    Doesn’t mean that everything is perfect and we haven’t been in love every second.
    I love your story and I would’ve loved to have read this 9 years ago. 🙂

    • Ok, Amy, now I’m the one crying haha!!

      How amazingly blessed you are to have a husband that is good to you, and he is obviously just as lucky to have a wonderful woman like you. It’s couples like y’all that keep my hope alive. I can’t thank you enough for sharing this with me!!!


  6. I believe that your post highlights the issues with today’s society. We teach children Disney, but not marriage. How to cope, deal with another , work together an build is something sorely lacking. We don’t ask the right questions before marriage. What so the bag out of life? Where do you see us? How do you want to manage finances? These are important but rarely discussed. I think that is part of the issues you had marrying young. I’ve been with mine for over 10 years but it required a lot of upfront communication, work and counseling. And everyone posting judgments needs to move out of their glass houses. You may not have made the best decision ever at 22..who does. You made one and it gave you your greatest gift so bless it.

    • Brenna, I could NOT have said it better myself!! I don’t think anyone could. Those questions are crucial and should be first priority over anything when looking for a life partner, especially over the ideas we have of what love is.

      And thank you for the compassion you have about those who make mistakes, especially at a young age. It happens, but you live and learn.

      Thank you SO much!! XoxoXo

  7. I find it deplorable some of these women and their comments just because it doesn’t line up with what they did. Everyone always want the sordid details and bravo for being the bigger person.

  8. I guess “Becoming A Mother Encouraged An Epiphany In Me To Realize My Worth As A Wife” is not a catchy of a title as what you have? 😉 Common sense would dictate that in the real letter to your child you would be less flippant. I guess some others did not make that same assumption…
    Best of luck to you and your child– your ex and his growing family as well!

    • It’s not as catchy at all, Piggy. 🙂 I didn’t intend to come off as flippant, but there’s a fine line between honesty and not oversharing about someone who is unable to defend themselves, as far as my ex. Thank you for sending luck our way and to my ex-husband and his family, as well. I wish the same for you. <3

    • It’s not as catchy at all, Piggy. 🙂 I didn’t intend to come off as flippant, but there’s a fine line between honesty and not oversharing about someone who is unable to defend themselves, as far as my ex. Thank you for sending luck our way and to my ex-husband and his family, as well. I wish the same for you. <3

  9. Honestly, I feel my toddler is tearing apart my marriage. Ever since she was born my husband has become a monster. Degrading and abusive. I’m currently 34 weeks along with our second and in labor. He wants me to put it up for adoption. I refuse. Every morning despite whatever I try to do to make him happy I get screamed at, called names and grabbed, dragged around the house and made to feel worthless. We have been together for 6 years on and off. He’s the only one working which I get is stressful but he throws it in my face constantly. It doesn’t matter that I clean, cook and chase our child around and take care of his animals, I’m not making money so I’m worthless. I love him but it seems he doesn’t care a tick for me. He says he does or he would tell me to get out (which he has before) but never says it or shows it. We had separated before for 8 months. He saw I had gotten another male in my life and then decided to try to work things out. Promised things would be different and we would be a team. Apparently there is an I in team because I do everything alone then get bitched at for everything the toddler does and for not making money. Yet he can go out and blow $200/month for a TV but if I ask for $5 I’m terrible. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore but I don’t want to rip my family apart. I and my daughter live him very much but he doesn’t seem to feel the same.


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