My day started at 4 a.m. when Kiddo cried for me because he wet the bed and after I changed his sheets and got him back to sleep, I couldn’t sleep. When I gave up and got out of bed for real at 6:45 a.m., I tripped on the dog’s bone. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

During preschool drop-off, I told Kiddo if he wanted to jump off the curb, he needed to do it now and when he didn’t, I grabbed his hand to walk into school. And then he had an epic, on-the-ground, kicking-and-crying meltdown, in the doorway so other parents and kids had to step over him. It was starting out to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At Starbucks the guy in front of me ordered breakfast for his whole office – and it apparently is not a small office. And then the barista used whip cream and whole milk in when I specifically asked for no whip and skim. Goodbye skinny jeans. I think I’ll move to Australia.

In the morning staff meeting The Boss let Mr. Jerkface give his update first and he totally stole the show on our big JOINT project. I said “And I took the lead on -” but was cut off by Ms. Peppy’s cell phone ringing and then Jerkface made a bad joke and nobody even heard me. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At the work I received an email that my benefits enrollment was declined because unnamed paperwork which was never requested was never submitted. When I called customer support they didn’t know what I was talking about and I listened to 20 minutes of elevator music. I’m still waiting for a call back… This was shaping up to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Preschool Teacher gave me a courtesy call that Kiddo was having a particularly rough morning and was not being nice to his friends. In fact, he had been pulled out of the classroom to cool off. It sounds like he wants to move to Australia too I thought.

At lunch Husband called and asked which I wanted first – the good news or the bad news. I said the bad news because why the hell not and he said the bad news was that the washer quit working on the rinse cycle and now all of our towels were drenched and weighed about 30 pounds each. The good news was he found some delicious leftover ravioli for lunch. That was supposed to be my lunch. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That’s what it was, because on my lunch break I went for a quick eyebrow wax and my usual girl was out with the flu so I had to use a new girl and our definitions of “natural” turned out to be very different. “They’ll look normal in a couple of weeks” said the owner. In a couple of weeks, I’m going to be living in Australia I thought.

On my way back into the office, the heel on my left shoe broke. They were 3 inch heels. And the only other shoes I had in the car were my hot pink shower shoes from my (hardly ever used) gym bag. I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody as I flip flopped back to my cube.

Husband thought I was bringing home dinner and I thought he was cooking dinner. So we ate cold turkey sandwiches on white bread without any cheese and I love cheese. Kiddo pooped in the bath, the dog ran muddy paws into the house and Husband had his headphones on so didn’t hear my cries for help during the madness. Scandal and Grey’s Anatomy were still on their 3 month winter break. My robe was in the laundry and my Kindle battery died. Worst of all, there was not a drop of wine in the whole house.

It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I called my mom and she said some days of working womanhood, motherhood, and wifedom are like that. Even in Australia.



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