Give Me a Grade on Motherhood!!!

You know what I very often wish? It’s kind of weird.

I often wish that there could be another mom…it could be a friend of mine, or it doesn’t have to be….but what she would need to be willing to do for me, is this: observe me, all day long, in my home, as I mother my children. She would need to stand unobtrusively somewhere, quiet, and just watch and listen. I know. This sounds creepy. Anyway, at the end of the day….and this is the important part….she would give me a score.” On a scale of 1-100, you are 72% a good mom” (“and…for an additional fee….I can provide you with all of my notes on what you could do to improve”).

Why in the world would I want this??? (Because I’m telling you, I really do). Well, I will tell you why. I want this because….how in the world am I ever supposed to know?? Unlike a “real job” where you receive praise (or criticism), feedback, raises, promotions (or demotions) (or worse), with this mothering “job” it’s hard to ever know with any real certainty HOW you are doing. Sometimes, after the conclusion of a hectic hour or two, where I have really just been at the top of my game, I will stop, take a deep breath, and think “damn. I can’t believe I just pulled all of that off so successfully. I just accomplished about 125 things in 120 minutes, AND stayed patient, AND doled out a life lesson so good these kids are BOUND to pass it on to their children’s children, AND carved out 5 minutes to snuggle AND because I had two extra minutes leftover, managed to clip everyones fingernails and toenails, which I NEVER remember to do. Hey Lady Who Is Observing Me and Taking Notes…did you see THAT?” Other times, I know without anyone telling me, that I did everything wrong. I yelled when I should have consoled. I escalated when I should have soothed. I was lazy when I should have been productive. I gave my attention to the wrong things.  Still OTHER times…I’m just not sure. My kid just asked me a super tricky question about death.  I have no idea if I answered correctly. That consequence I just administered? Did it actually TEACH my child anything, or was there a more effective punishment I could have used? That situation right there…..did it require more firmness, or more compassion? Am I being too HARD on myself in this particular area, or am I not being hard enough, and I need to step it up a notch (or ten)? “The dishes can wait, your kids won’t be little forever”….yes, but at the same time, isn’t it important to teach them responsibility, and the importance of order and cleanliness? I just don’t know the answers sometimes….a lot of times…and that is when I WISH I could sit down with the Lady Who Has Been Watching Me All Day (seriously, this just sounds creepier and creepier) and get her feedback.

Probably, that’s never going to happen for me (and probably, I should be grateful for that, because….creepy), BUT here is what I DO think should happen…for me, and for all of you guys as well:

• I DO think we, as fellow mamas, need to do a better job of encouraging each other. I don’t just mean in vague, general ways, like posting encouraging quotes on Facebook aimed at all of your mom friends. I mean telling a SPECIFIC friend, SPECIFICALLY what they are doing awesome at. Here’s a real-life example “Kelly, you do a GREAT job of finding joy in motherhood DAILY, and demonstrating to your children how much you truly enjoy them” (I actually do have a friend named Kelly, and this is actually quite true of her). I’m sure you can think of lots of things each of your Mom Friends do well at….tell them! Bet you a million bucks they need to hear it. Like, today.

• I think we should grant PERMISSION to our friends to let us know areas they see where we COULD improve upon. It could be that we have a “blind spot”. An area where we don’t realize that we really COULD and SHOULD make a change. Those closest to us may see these blind spots of ours, and we don’t need to get all huffy and puffy about this. Instead, we can be thankful for the feedback. Consider it “constructive criticism”, and run with it.

• On the flip side, if we’ve been given permission to speak the truth like that to a friend, WE NEED TO DO IT. It’s fine and dandy and sweet and all to always say things like “Don’t feel bad about that. No one is perfect”, or “I don’t blame you. I probably would have done that, too”, or “Ahh don’t worry about it. Everyone messes their kids up in some way or another”, but is that really helpful? Not really. Everyone needs a “truth-teller” in their life.  I’ve got one in mine..her name is Kim. And she is more likely to say things like “stop it! That’s not good. Stop it!”, or “I see _________ occurring, and it’s not great, and you should change it.” She sounds like a real peach, right? I promise she is. You see, I’ve given her my PERMISSION to tell me things like this, and so she does. I would like to be a friend who is bold enough to tell my friends the truth about things, and I think you should be, too.

We aren’t going to get raises or promotions or feedback for a long, looooong time. It won’t be until we launch these little people into the real world, that we really get any sort of indication of how we did. And even then…..who knows? Sometimes great mothering still results in a Hot Mess of a Child, and horrible mothering can somehow transfer into Model Citizen Child. All we can do really is give it our very best shot, but in order to have a fighting chance….we’ve got to help each other out.

Encourage. Welcome Constructive Criticism. Provide Constructive Criticism to others (when asked).

Help Your Sisters Out!