This Stage of Life-_opt

This stage of life. It’s hard, you guys.

I’m talking right now to you moms who are in your early to mid 30’s. You have kids. Likely two, three, maybe four of them. They probably range in age from newborns to  7 or 8 year-olds. (Give or take a few, on all of the above mentioned stats).

In this stage of life, you are dealing with exhaustion. Mental, physical, and emotional.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with teething. With ear infections. With stomach viruses. You are juggling nap schedules, and feeding schedules and soccer schedules. A million balls you are juggling, and you probably feel like you are dropping most of them.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career, and not spending enough time with your kids, or guilt over staying home with your kids, and not doing enough to contribute financially. Guilt over being too harsh with your kids. Too lenient. Guilt that your house is clean, but your kids were ignored, or guilt that you enjoyed your children all day, and now your husband is coming home to filth. Guilt.

In this stage of life, you are bombarded daily with a whole host of decisions. Some of them life-changing, some of them not. None of them with clear cut answers. Do I vaccinate my kids? Do I not? Do I send them to public school? Homeschool? Charter school? Do I continue to breastfeed? Do I blow the budget so that I can buy all organic? Do I force my child to apologize, even though the apology will be insincere? You don’t know the answers to ANYTHING, but you feel constant pressure to figure out EVERYTHING.

This stage of life is less and less about watching your friends get married and have babies, and more and more about standing by and witnessing your friends struggle in their marriage, and even get divorced. It’s a stage where you’ve got to put in the time and the effort and the work and the energy to make sure your OWN marriage stays healthy. And that’s good, but it’s hard, too.   At this point, you or someone you know has experienced infertility. Miscarriages. Loss of a child.

It’s a stage where you are buying houses, selling houses, remodeling houses, packing up houses. And then you do it all again a few years later.

It’s a stage where your hormones are all of of whack. I mean, you’ve basically been pregnant, postpartum, or breastfeeding for the last ten years, right?

It’s a stage where you are struggling with identity. Is my entire identity “mommy”? Is there anything even left of me that isn’t about mothering? Is there something more glamorous I could have/should have done with my life? I LOOK like a mom now, don’t I? I totally do.

It’s a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it.

It’s a stage of life where you are overloaded. Constantly. You are overloaded with questions. Your children never stop asking them. You are overloaded with touch. Someone is constantly wanting to be held, holding on to you, hanging on you, touching you. You are overloaded with to-do’s. There is so much to do. It never ends. You are overloaded with worry. You are overloaded with THINGS. Your kids have way too many toys. You are overloaded with activities. You are overloaded with THOUGHTS (thoughts about how to not be so overloaded, perhaps?).

It’s hard.

So….what do you need to do to survive it all?

You need to ask for help.

You need to accept help when it’s given.

You need to not neglect your marriage. You need to put your kids down for bed early. Sit outside on the back porch with your husband, drink a glass of wine, and have a conversation.

You need girlfriends.

You need your mom.

You need older friends, who have been there and done that. Who can reassure you that you AREN’T screwing it all up as badly as you think you are.

You need to not feel bad about using your kids nap time every now and again to just do whatever the heck you want.

You need to lower your expectations….then probably lower them again.

You need to simplify.  Simplify every single part of your life, as much as it can be simplified.

You need to learn how to say “no”.

You need to practice contentment

You need to be ok leaving your kids overnight, and going away somewhere. Anywhere.

You need to do something you enjoy, every day, even if it’s for no more than 15 minutes.

You need to pray. Girl, you need to pray.

You need a coffee you love, a wine you love, and a bubble bath that you love.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, you need to remember that…..

….this stage of life is beautiful, too. Like, really really beautiful. This is the stage of life where every single older person you ever meet tells you, “you’re going to miss this”. And you already know it’s true. It’s the stage where your kids love you more than they are EVER going to love you again, for the whole rest of your life. It’s the stage where they can fit their entire selves into your lap to snuggle…and they want to. It’s the stage where their biggest problems ARE ear infections and teething and stomach viruses, and you’re not having to deal yet with things like broken hearts or addiction or bullying. It’s the stage where you are learning to love your spouse in an entirely different….harder…..better…. way. The stage where you are learning together, being stretched together, shedding your selfishness together, and TRULY being made into “one”. It’s the stage where you get to see Christmas, Halloween and the Fourth of July through your kids eyes, and it’s so much more fun and magical than it would be just through your own eyes. It’s the stage where you get to watch your parents be grandparents…and they’re really good at it. It’s the stage of life filled with field trips, class parties, costumes, swim lessons, bubble baths, dance parties, loose teeth, and first steps. And those things are so fun. It’s the stage where you are young enough to have fun, and old enough to have obtained at least SOME wisdom. It’s SUCH a great stage.

But, man it’s hard.

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Hayley Hengst
Hello AM readers! I'm Hayley. Stay-at-home mom to three boys/angels/tyrants (primarily tyrants). Most days, I am very content in that role. Other days, well, you know how it goes. I absolutely love writing for Austin Moms Blog. I also love: books, bubble baths, Mexican food, porch swings, and traveling. I hate: the hustle and bustle of trying to get out the door, on time, with all three of my kids. Seriously, I just kind of give up. You can read more about my crazy crew at!


  1. This is absolutely spot on. Thank you for writing this. It can be a lonely road a lot of the time but it makes me much better to know that I’m not alone.

  2. It’s about the stage of life, why put an age range on it? I am 45 with four kids 3-9. I am not out of this stage yet. Why should I be? Why should I be made to feel that This is really only for those younger than me? I have a friend 22 years younger. We are friends because we are in it together. She is not too young. Yet blogs like this constantly suggest she is too young to be mom to her three kids. What has age got to do with any of it?

  3. Hard? My grandmother had her first child at 20, the last at 47. When she was 25 my grandfather took over the family dairy farm. It became his wife’s job to care for everyone; in laws, hired hands, and her own growing brood. No electricity, and the only plumbing was a pump at the kitchen sink. This meant cooking on a wood stove, out house, laundry by hand, no central heat, certainly no AC, food came from the garden she worked and the chickens she kept; the list goes on and on. There were no antibiotics, no vaccines to choose from, no school choice. Always working, always cheerful, never complaining. There are still people that live like her. Just thought I’d add a little perspective.

    • There are many different types of hard. Everyone goes through some level of hardship, regardless of stage of life, economic status, religion, location, etc. There are always times when people need to ask for help. We do have many conveniences that your grandmother didn’t, however there are also different expectations placed on us, and the pace of life in our society is one that I don’t believe humans are designed to maintain. There are so many other facets of life to factor in, but the article isn’t saying that our lives are harder than anyone else’s, or that it’s an excuse to wallow in our misery, but that it can feel challenging and overwhelming at times. I think it’s wonderful that you have to much respect for your grandmother, who sounds like a wonderful person who made the most of her circumstances. However, the implication that we are inferior, because we can admit that sometimes life isn’t all roses and rainbows, is uncalled for and dismissive of some of the very real struggles that many of us have. Compassion is a beautiful thing.

  4. And here I am about to burst into tears, except that I am at work so I can’t! Thank you SO SO MUCH!!!!! I’m 31 years old and also have 3 sons. They are 2, 3, and 4 years old and it’s REALLY hard. I need to work part-time (in the evenings when my husband is home with them) just to keep my sanity! and I’m a Marriage Therapist– that’s my ‘get away’, ‘feel normal and mental stable again’ job…


  5. It’s like you knew I needed to hear this! All of this was me last night and just this morning my mom sent me this. Thank you!

    • Except when you have autoimmune or other medical issues, in which the CDC and doctors have advised you and your kids against getting them…

  6. Lower your expectations. Be reassured you are not screwing up. Feeling guilty. Scared your man will come home to a dirty house. Are you kidding?? These sound more like battered women than strong Moms. This doesn’t sound like anyone I know ou side of TV.

  7. i’ve read this heartfelt article three years ago, and i still cried after reading this line for the second time — “It’s the stage where your kids love you more than they are EVER going to love you again, for the whole rest of your life. It’s the stage where they can fit their entire selves into your lap to snuggle…and they want to.” My only regret would be COMPLAINING TOO MUCH about the work instead of being grateful for the those precious baby years.

  8. Thank you so much for this! Exactly what I needed to read to get me through the day and change my perspective. As a first time stay at home mom with an 11 year daughter and a premie who just came home from the NICU last week, I had been beating myself up nonstop. I actually saw this posted on Facebook, which was quickly deleted and I spent the last day googling to try to find it again because it meant a so much to me! ♥️


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