Every time we hang out with friends, my kids inevitably end up hiding behind my leg when it comes time to say farewell. I’ve learned I don’t force my kids to hug.
My son will even shout, “I’m shy!” as a way to get him out of saying good-bye. Now, I have learned that half the time he really doesn’t want the adventure to end, and the other half he refuses because he isn’t comfortable with physical farewell gestures.
To me, this is ok. It’s more than ok. It could be his best friend or his grandfather, to him it doesn’t matter. A hug is just not happening.
I’ve learned to not push him.
Although, when he was younger I did push him. I was that mom apologizing when my son wouldn’t hug a friend good bye or at least give a high-five or fun fist-bump. Looking at this a little deeper, I realized it’s his decision whether or not he would like to embrace in a physical good-bye. Even though he’s only a toddler, he’s old enough to make his own decision about his body and personal space.
Teaching children about personal space is tough. They love to roll around, jump on each other and hold hands. Some kids are in-tune with respecting personal space, like my son, and others have no clue, like my daughter, and insist on talking “thisclose” to your face almost every second of the day. It’s definitely a topic of discussion and point of contention in our home on a daily basis. What is the best way to teach children about bodies and physical interactions? How do we explain to these young minds about the importance of boundaries? Well, there really is no one single way, there are many. The bigger lesson is for us as moms and parents is to openly address things like hugs.
My son is my first born and as he’s grown up we’ve had many instances where personal space has come into question. Early on, when he first started preschool I noticed he never played close to other children. He’s very much an observer by nature, so I didn’t think much of it. Even today, he oftentimes prefers to watch from afar then join in the play, if it looks rough or overly physical. This might have to do more with his aversion to getting dirty, but a story for another day. Most boys his age love being rough-and-tumble. But, that’s just not him.
His preschool teacher gave us a great phrase to use when in situations of physical play. She recommended my son say, “I need some space, please,” and it’s worked out well for us. So much in fact that now my smaller, younger daughter will yell to him, “I NEED MY SPACE!!!” When he tries to grab a crayon from her. I also use it too, “Mom needs some space now,” when I run to pee and “Please respect your sister’s space,” when they get too close to each other’s food at the dinner table.
Sometimes my mom instincts want to scream, “HANDS TO YOURSELF!” or “Don’t touch!” but a simple statement about space does the trick.
When it comes to hugs, I no longer pressure my son to embrace. It’s not a sign of disrespect, as the grandparents probably assume.
It’s really more a sign of utmost respect. I want my children to know our family respects decisions about personal boundaries and always will. Even at a young age.
At the end of the day, some kids are into hugs and some are not. And that’s ok! I’m not about to force my son to “act more like a boy” and play rough if he doesn’t want to and I’m certainly not going to make him hug people when we say good-bye.
Although, I do make him hug me because after all, I am his mama and I need that special “squeeeeeeze” before I head out the door.
This is such an interesting read, and while children need that physical touch when much younger it is a great concept to not force it upon them at a later age. Space is definitely an important thing when children start to go to school and need to learn personal space and I agree every kid is definitely different so not forcing that physical touch is so important to their character and mental health.