While large parts of Texas were experiencing the fate of Hurricane Harvey, I was experiencing a whirlwind of my own that I have inevitably named baby Harvey. It was traumatic to say the least. Some of my family and close friends do not even know about baby Harvey. Tears begin to flow at the thought of my experience. And what would you have said to a family member in the midst of the real Hurricane Harvey? “So sorry the nasty hurricane rain water is about to flood your house along with your belongings, however, on the flip side, I am bleeding profusely from my lady parts and curled up in a fetal position from the immense pain coming from my contracting uterus. Because… I.Am.Having.A.Miscarriage.”
Losing a child at any stage of life is a deep devastation. My simple words cannot express how my heart hurts when someone loses a child from unborn to young child to adult. In life, there is an expected order of death. You are born, then you live a long life, then you die at an old age, right? Expectations sometimes fail us though and a life is taken long before it should. Or should it? Maybe that life was not made to last a full century, 50 years or even a short day in this world. Maybe that life was only made to change your life in some way, shape or form. And maybe I will never have the answer while on earth.
Miscarriages are communicated by a whisper. I understand why. It is not exactly a comfortable topic to discuss. If you have personal experience with one or know someone who has, then it is just not something one would choose to talk about. The tiny little baby growing inside you all of a sudden doesn’t have a heart beat anymore and your body has to get rid of it. It is gruesome and traumatic and heart wrenching. Your body is in control and you cannot do anything to stop it.
The worst part of the whole situation is the guilt that I feel. The “what ifs” dancing around in my head. I hate them. They slowly munch away at my emotions and mess up my mental state. Daily functions of a mother start to become harder than they were before however I push through because, well, I have to. Simply have to. Mothers do not get breaks. Our children’s lives depend on our functioning minds and bodies. We have to keep pressing forward or our household just doesn’t work.
The feelings of guilt are largely placed on the fact that this pregnancy was not planned. We were not trying for another child. Sure, it had been discussed but was decided that we were both getting older and our two bold strong-willed kids were enough to handle. Honestly, I had always imagined having four kids, however life circumstances get in the way sometimes and you settle and accept what God has given you.
So back to the unplanned pregnancy; it was stressful. There were a lot of stresses flying around our family and lives when we found out. However, as soon as I saw that positive test and then the one five minutes after it, this child was already a part of our family. I started to imagine this little child’s life and what they would look like. Would our 3rd child have red hair like our other two? Would it be a girl or a boy? I didn’t care either way because I truly only wanted a healthy child. The happy thoughts helped with the stresses and I prayed for God’s favor on this child. I did not want to hear any unknown words at the ultrasound. You see, our first child was an unplanned pregnancy and we had some “issues” to say the least so I was justifiably worried.
So there you have it. Exactly three years to the day that I went in labor with my 2nd child, my body started doing something similar, however, this time I wouldn’t get to hold a newborn at the end of the pain and suffering. I wouldn’t get to name this child or swaddle it or kiss its sweet face. This baby will forever only be 11 weeks gestation. A tiny little human the size of a silver dollar. I will never get to have the happy pregnancy day dreamy moments with outside family and friends because we were waiting until the 2nd trimester to share the exciting news.
My husband made a weird yet interesting statement a couple days afterwards. He said “well, now you have experienced it all. A C-section, a VBAC and a miscarriage.” Hmm, that doesn’t exactly cover it all as far as birthing, etc. However, I understood what he was saying. He went on to say this happened so that I could help women in all experiences. Who knows? I am by no means an expert in any of the above topics but he had the right positive outlook and I love him for it.
I do not have any answers for other mothers who have experienced miscarriages. I cannot even begin to understand why so many pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, what I do know is this post was incredibly hard for me to write and I hope it helps at least one other mama out there remembering the loss of a child; unborn, newborn, or infant during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
If you would like more detailed information on the actual physical process of my miscarriage then feel free to check out the post on my personal blog, The Head House.