It happens every time I attend a party… full of 30 something women. Most of them moms of at least one at this point. Sipping our coffee, mimosa, cocktail, or glass of wine… the question emerges as we all gather in a circle for mom-chit chat.
“Are you planning to have any more kids?”
It rings like a bell in my ears, penetrating every part of my nervous system. I get goosebumps on my arms and my legs… the hairs prick up on the back of my neck. I try to make sure no one can read the uncertainty, the discomfort, the unsteadiness of my hand as my mimosa shakes. I try to unnoticeably take in a deep breath to compose myself quickly before anyone can pinpoint what is racing through my brain. Then I quickly respond,
“We are happy with our two girls,” and I smile as the next mom answers and the voices start to drown out by my heart thudding in my chest.
Depending on the circle of friends I can be completely honest. I usually am, being an open book and wearing my heart on my sleeve, I am not very good at hiding my true thoughts. Sometimes my answer sounds like this:
“Well, I don’t think we can anymore. After all, we’ve been through, it would be a huge risk. We’d rather focus on the family we have now.”
I am sure the moms that hear this answer feel bad, and feel guilty for asking it…they don’t know any better. They are trying to include me in the conversation. But phew, I can’t be the only mom that dreads that question being asked at every.single.mom.gathering. And every.single.time having to answer the same way.
I know I am not the only one…I know my story involves wiped out eggs from chemotherapy and a huge risk of a cancer reoccurrence, but other mom’s stories include post-partum depression… infertility, multiple miscarriages, or they are completely fulfilled with one child.
As this question is asked though for me it pangs at my heart because I don’t know if that door was completely closed for me. I had always wanted a big family, coming from two kids to divorced parents I often felt too much quiet for my liking. I loved family gatherings as the beautiful chaos echoed through the house. I always wanted that for my future family.
In all that being said, I went to get a pelvic ultrasound the other day (to make sure my ladybits are in the clear) and the first part was much like an ultrasound you would get as you were pregnant. As the technician, moved the wand around my lower abdomen, I started feeling phantom kicks inside of me. Part of me wished she would randomly say, “Wow ma’am it looks like you are pregnant!” I just couldn’t shake the thought of wanting another baby. Yearning to be pregnant just one more time. To embrace the growth of my belly, to cherish the kicks, to relish the labor and delivery as my body would endure one of the hardest, most incredible feats possible. To hold that baby, to nurse that baby, to just be lost in the days of newborn motherhood…just one more time.
I snapped out of it as the lady finished up and said the results would be back within 24 hours.
The question surfaced, “Is my family enough?” The guilt panged at my heart as soon as the thought transpired.
When the decision to not have any more kids is made for you… of course you start to wish you could have more. I always dreamed of a third girl… a third H to add to our H names. But how dare I have these thoughts, when I have two gorgeous, healthy, thriving girls. When other moms pray for healthy children of their own. When other moms going through what I am going through endure chemo while pregnant, or cannot have children because they were diagnosed before it was their chance to have kids, or had one and always wanted at least two. There are so many scenarios.
I arrived home, and keenly watched my girls. I watched them play, I watched them hug each other, I watched them come ask me if they could pour me some tea for the princess tea party, I watched them dance, I watched them greet their daddy when he arrived home from work and I asked myself again, “Is my family enough?”
Yes.
Of course, they are enough. They are more than enough. My heart is full every weekend when we get to spend each day together sun up to sun down. As my girls turn into their own little people with personalities that add to our family, I am filled to the brim. I reconsider the thoughts of hoping to be pregnant again and decide that what I really wish is to become a mother all over again. With all that I am going through, I just wish I could rewind time. Get a chance to go through all of this again. To truly soak up those moments before the big C hit our home like a tornado.
To all the moms out there, no matter where you are in your mom journey, go easy on yourself. Fully embrace self-care and soak up every single moment with your kids. I say this because life is short. When something devastating hits your home, you wish you focused on the important things versus the urgent things. That you put family first. That you didn’t rush your babies into each milestone, yet you let it happen on its own. We don’t need a to-do list for our kids’ growth, we need to unplug and just be there. We just need to be present.
And for gosh sakes, let’s ask different questions when we mamas gather…capeesh?
