Do you remember the scene from A Princess Bride where Wesley gets captured and taken to the pit of despair and that terrible man uses his terrible machine to suck away years of Wesley’s life? “I’ve just sucked one year of your life away…how does that make you feel?” And Wesley just groans in pain…that’s kind of how I feel at the current moment with IVF and fertility treatment, except it’s been three years sucked from my life.

Three years of IVF and fertility treatment = tens of thousands of dollars, and we have gotten nowhere.

Three years of IVF and fertility treatment, which have included SIX surgeries (hysteroscopy/laparoscopy, another hysteroscopy, two IVF egg retrieval procedures, and two D&Cs for two miscarriages within 4 months of each other). Three years, which have included SEVEN rounds of IUI, TWO rounds of IVF, ONE failed embryo transfer, and countless sonograms and labs and ovulation tests and shots and supplements and progesterone suppositories (blech!) and estrogen pills and thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS of dollars of medical bills. Oh, and THIRTY solid pounds of weight that I’ve gained. 30. That’s like pregnancy weight but without a baby to show for it.

The best is when people look at me and decide, she must be pregnant like they have some inside information; they’ve figured it out when no one else has! Granted, I was pregnant twice, for about 6 weeks each, but not anymore. One miscarriage is tragic; two in a row within months of each other is unbelievable. I’ve caught myself many times in the mirror and thought, “that’s not me.”

I’m at least glad God has spared me from a later loss. And I’m thankful for my home, my family, and my health. I know I have a lot to be thankful for; that gratefulness has been my life preserver when I have felt like I’m drowning in a sea of despair, frustration, and disappointment; indignation and anger.

At times, I feel like an idiot, like, I’m trying so hard at something God clearly doesn’t want for me; other times I think I’m just being tested. Other times, I feel completely alone, and it’s just me trying to will this into reality in an indifferent universe. Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? And I am comforted to remember that it could always be much, much worse. Thank you, Jesus. This too shall pass.

I don’t know when I will see God’s plan in all of this, but I know it is there somewhere. Right now, we are nearing the end of our journey with IVF and fertility treatment. We have one more transfer to try. And maybe we will try on our own after that…or maybe not. We definitely need a long break to feel normal again. I can’t help but worry that I will feel a deep sadness for the rest of my life if we never end up having another child…Or maybe not. I’m also hopeful that I can have a happy life with exactly what I have right now.

I always wondered what happened to Wesley after he had so much life sucked out of him. Did he regain his strength? Did he actually age when all of those years were taken? Did he go back to being a farmer after being a pirate? Did he change? I always thought that story ended too soon. I wanted to know if Buttercup and Wesley would live happily ever after together. But, I guess there’s no way of knowing. Just hoping.

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