For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived the story of “I’m not good enough.” It has motivated and driven me to achieve great things, often at the cost of my sanity. I love control; I love a plan; I love a plan I can execute flawlessly. But when I became a mom, all of this went out the window. Motherhood is not some grand plan that comes to life from a spreadsheet and checklists. It was a rude awakening.

I planned my approach to motherhood from the get-go. From my pregnancy capsule wardrobe, to my massive spreadsheet of prenatal to-dos, to my much-anticipated natural birth plan, to my sweet boho nursery, I had laid out those 40 weeks to a tee. And for the most part, everything happened as I hoped it would…until Amaya arrived. My best friend had asked me, “Don’t you think you should prepare for parenting vs. the actual birth?” I quickly read a breastfeeding book and called it a day.

My daughter has taught me an important lesson: your life isn’t yours. It’s not something you can plan, control, or manipulate for a specific outcome. The wisdom and maturity I thought I had achieved in my 31 years was the result of having my way all the time and being really good at it. But becoming a mother made me unlearn all I thought I knew, and just like my newborn, I was figuring myself out as if for the very first time. I was forced to surrender.

Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”

Parenting is hard. Parenting in today’s world is even harder. As a working mom, I often feel overwhelmed and overworked by all the to-dos and expectations. I live my days by checklists and often find myself on auto-pilot, trying to squeeze chores and emails into every single minute of the day. On weekdays, I get 3.5 hours a day with my daughter, and I want to make the most of them. I want to be present to her needs, not a slave to impossible expectations. So how do I practice mindfulness in this reality?

Through trial and error and lots of tearful conversations, I have learned, and am still learning, that the only thing I can control is my way of thinking – my perspective, my response, and my actions. I’ve learned that to lead from a place of love requires self-care and compassion. It requires nurturing my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. And as a mom, it’s counter-intuitive, but to love my daughter, I have to choose to love myself first.

Here are a few ways I’m currently practicing mindfulness:

1. Dropping expectations: I recently let Amaya use an iPad at the dinner table after she finished eating so my husband and I could enjoy a meal with our friends. I used to judge those parents and swore I’d never do it; I get it now.
2. Mental check-ins: I’ve started tuning into any tension in my body (usually my jaw and shoulders) and asking myself how I’m doing. It reminds me to stop and take a few deep breaths.
3. Creating space: For me, this is the discipline to say no and feel ok about it. This is hard for me to do in general, but rephrasing the idea as me choosing my family helps. For our family, this means under-scheduled weekends and slow days that often lead to the most fun and spontaneous experiences.
4. Scheduling time for self-care: I put my workouts and solo dates on the calendar just as I would a doctor’s appointment. I used to differentiate the two, but I realize self-care is critical for me and my family.
5. Connecting with others: I have a strong mama tribe and small but close set of friends whom I rely on to lift me up. Whether it’s a text, coffee date, or girls night out, I make an attempt to nurture the relationships that fuel me.
6. Dating my husband: When I see my daughter mimic everything we say and do, I realize the significance of embodying love for her. For us, it’s not always about a fancy date night. It’s Netflixing at home, a few moments at the end of the day to cuddle, or slow embrace before we part ways in the morning. She usually looks at us and giggles. I want our love to make her feel giddy always.

At the end of the day, being a mom isn’t measured by the things we do for our kids; it’s measured by the way we make them feel. And this feeling starts with how we feel about ourselves. For me, being mindful is trusting that I am worthy, that I am enough.

What is mindfulness for you? What gets in the way? And what are some practical ways you exercise mindfulness?