The Day The Girl Took Her Top Off At The Pool…

A few summers ago, I took my kids on a swim date to a friend’s pool at their apartment complex.  The pool was huge, had several splash and fountain areas, and was a great way to beat the Austin heat in June.  My friend had her boys, aged 4 and 5, and I had all four of mine with me: the big boys were 11 and 8, my daughter was 5, and my youngest was almost one.  We slathered on the sunscreen, put out the snacks, and kicked back in the poolside loungers.

A short while after we arrived, another family did.  There was an older mom and a teenaged son, both dressed, and a girl in a bikini.  She was maybe in her late teens or early twenties. She obviously had some sort of impairment and seemed to be nonverbal.  She hopped in the water and excitedly splashed around near the steps, squealing with delight. She waved at me and my baby sitting in my lap.  The teenaged son sat in a corner of the pool area, as far away as he could, and proceeded to play on his phone- an understandable reaction for a kid who’d been dragged unwillingly to watch his sister swim.  The mom engaged with her daughter for awhile, then wandered over to chat with some older gentleman she must have known from frequent pool visits.

We went on about our playdate, feeding our kids as they ran up for snack breaks, reapplying sunscreen, and just visiting.  My daughter, 4 at the time, has always been a quiet “noticer”…super observant and intuitive. I saw her eyes glued across the pool, turned to see what she was staring at, and then I saw it…

This girl had taken her top off and it was floating away, and she just went on bouncing and playing in the water, naked from the waist up. That time, the mom noticed it too and flew around the edge of the pool to get to her daughter. I muttered to my own daughter “Don’t look, that’s rude” and I kept my own eyes averted, trying to be respectful.  I glanced over at my friend, and could tell that she’d seen what was happening as well. The mom fished out the swimsuit top and tried to get her daughter out of the pool. I silently hoped this whole scene would play out quickly, and looked to the other side of the pool where my big boys thankfully were oblivious.  

Well, once the mother had wrestled her daughter out of the pool, desperately trying to wrap a towel around her, the girl began screaming and flailing.  The men lounging poolside watched the scene with a mixture of amusement and pity. The mom yelled out to her teenage son to come help her, as this girl was as big as her and fighting very hard to escape.  The boy looked absolutely mortified, rolled his eyes while pocketing his phone, and jogged over to help.

At this point, the girl was outright screeching and I could no longer respectfully ignore the scene.  My daughter was staring outright with her jaw open in shock, my friend’s sons had crowded around her because they were actually afraid of what was happening, and I just watched.  The mother was trying to drag the girl out of the pool area while keeping her covered, trying to soothe her by saying “We’ll go home and get a different swimsuit, let’s go”, and the boy was trying to help restrain her.  The girl kept pointing and screaming, so I glanced at the ground near our chairs and saw her swimsuit top. In the chaos, it had been dropped, and she just wanted it back-but no one was understanding her. Finally the brother glanced that way, ran to pick it up, the girl calmed down and they left.  My friend looked at me and said “Wow.”

Wow indeed.

We cleaned up, packed up, and went home.  The rest of the day, I felt unsettled. That night, I couldn’t sleep.  WHY hadn’t I helped? WHY hadn’t I picked up the top as soon as I realized what was happening?  WHY did no one else help this older woman physically struggling with her daughter? I tried to rationalize with myself, I was holding an 11 month old after all, who surely would have cried had I unceremoniously tossed him to my friend and ran to help.  I didn’t want to shame the family, I wanted them to handle it on their own and be on their way. I wouldn’t want attention if I was in that position. Oh, I thought of a lot of reasons, and I followed them all up with “not good enough”.

We are a special needs family, too.  If anyone can understand that we parents have to stick together and support each other, it should be me.  I should have let my baby cry for a minute, grabbed a towel, and helped that poor mother out. My heart breaks for her, as she continues to age and her daughter’s needs continue to drain her.  My heart breaks for that teenage boy, having to lose so much of his own childhood because of a sibling that needs so much. My heart breaks for the girl, as I’m sure her life is far from easy. 

My takeaway, and I hope yours, is to quit thinking  “that’s not my problem”. Or, “can’t they just get a grip on their kid”.  Or, “don’t look..that’s rude.” Or, “I’ll just offend them if I say anything.”  Sure, you may offend someone. Or further embarrass them. But that’s a risk I’m now willing to take, because what if they look at you with a desperate gratitude in their eyes, and instead say “Thank you”?

Thanks for stepping in.

Thanks for helping us.

Thanks for SEEING us.