Mother’s Day Miscarriage

Deciding to try for a second kid was complicated for me. I knew what I’d be getting myself into the second time around. I was acutely aware that motherhood is HARD. And we had finally gotten in a rhythm of things as a family of three. But OK, let’s go for it. 

Turns out getting pregnant wasn’t quite as easy as it was the first time around. A few months in and this Enneagram type three achiever was clearly not achieving! Not in control. I wasn’t winning at getting pregnant. Six months in, we did it, yes! And I was due ON CHRISTMAS, my dream. It was meant to be. THIS is why it took a little longer…so I could have a mini-me Christmas Eve baby! YES. The universe all makes sense now. High five.

A few weeks into the pregnancy, it became obvious this whole pregnancy was going to be different than the first time around. That’s what everyone says though right? 

Then the spotting started, but it’s all going to be fine. Like 100 people deep in the interwebs had spotting and it all turned out fine. 

Low HCG levels, but it’s fine. They could just spike later, at any time.

Symptoms vanished, but it’s fine.

Cramping, but it’s fine.

Julie deep in page five of the Google search results had all of this too and she was fine and has a four-year old now.

Turns out it wasn’t fine.

The bleeding starts and miscarriage begins…ON MOTHER’S DAY.  The irony.

I was feeling all of the most intense emotions we’re capable of smashed together in a short period of time.

Overwhelming Joy! Seething mad anger. Deep sadness. 

A few days before it happened, when I was in the period of having to get blood drawn every other day, I showed up to a blood clinic in a grocery store and they were CLOSED. I actually visualized myself punching the window of the clinic I was so pissed.

I tried to avoid social media as much as possible. I was not in the mood to see cute Mother’s Day posts and photos. But then I saw this image popping up again and again, and it made me realize I wasn’t alone. And the more I opened up about my experience I realized so many friends had gone through similar emotions of their own experience with miscarriage. 

Whatever you have experienced with miscarriage, you are not alone.