There Is Life After Divorce

I struggled with writing this blog for several reasons. One, I’m a single mom of four kiddos and life gets busy. Two, I’d start to write it and felt I was giving off an impression that I was some sort of super hero single mom who encouraged divorce, and I’m not and I don’t at all. So, I decided to just marinate in thoughts and allow myself to feel whatever came over me when I thought of divorce and my life over the course of several weeks. Then today, decided I was ready to write it out.

This Christmas my four year old daughter sat in Santa’s lap and told him all about the slime pooping unicorn she hopes to receive on Christmas morning. Charlotte let him know that this year, she was going to stay awake and see him. They talked back and forth about the cookies she would bake and it was just a really sweet moment. We were at an Austin City Moms Blog event and there was no waiting line, no mall crowd, just Charlotte and Santa chatting it up. And then, she says to him, “Well can I tell you something really sad in my heart?” I peered over my shoulder at Santa just a few feet from them with a look of uh-oh on my face. She looked down at her little half painted glittery fingernails and said, “It’s just that I’m sad. My heart is sad. My Daddy doesn’t love my Mommy anymore and our family doesn’t live together.”

My heart sank.

We talked about it on the way home and I assured her that while Mommy and Daddy don’t live together anymore that she is absolutely loved by all of us. It wasn’t long before she was trying to measure that love with grandiose arm gestures as wide as a 4 year old can span her arms. Naming off her three brothers, her papa and myself asking if each of them loved her “this much.” To which I assured her that much and more.

I am amidst my second divorce. I will be 40 years old next month. It’s a tough pill for me to swallow and one I’m not taking nor facing lightly. I have good days and bad days. I think the fuel that keeps me going, that affords me the ability to still smile, laugh, plan trips, spend time with friends is simple. Acceptance. I’ve accepted that sometimes plans just have a way of falling down mid-flight.

I’ve learned to accept defeat with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.

I have a great relationship with my first ex-husband. It took some time. We put the kids first and made a pact. We would allow the kids to be kids and experience life as normal as they could to a child with two parents. When we argue or struggle coming to a decision on something, like a few years ago, the decision for my oldest son to play club soccer. We stop and ask ourselves, “What would the answer be if we were married?” The answer would be, he would play. So he does. He and I do not allow the divorce decree to dictate how we parent our children. Our children have a voice in who they want to be with and when and we support it the best we can. If one kiddo has a sleepover that trumps wanting to go to Dad’s, it’s okay. If their dad wants this Thanksgiving but it’s not his by the decree, we work it out.

Accepting that we’re divorced and working in the best interest of the kids is paramount.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t spend the first few years post divorce laying beneath the Christmas tree in fetal position ugly crying though.

Accepting that there will be ugly cry days.

Accepting that there is life after divorce and the sun still rises.

Accepting that the kids keep growing and need me to be my best self. Accepting that sometimes I have to be both mom and dad. Accepting that sometimes I just need to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment with my counselor or reach out to my tribe. The list goes on and on but the operative word for me, acceptance.

So, as I drove Charlotte home from our event, I had to remind myself that what I’ve overcome before can be overcome again. To hold my head high and be the rock my children need me to be.

I am strong. I am enough. I am going to get through this.

I just need to give myself a little grace, persevere, and relish in the fact that just like Charlotte, I, too, am loved “this much.”

Khaki Wakefield
Khaki has a business degree from Saint Leo University and by day utilizes that with her tenure in Corporate America and is currently serving as the Controller for an Austin nano-technology start-up. By night and every other waking hour, she is the taxi driver, team manager, room mom, tutor, chef, logistics coordinator, event planner, referee, housekeeper, and single mother to her 3 teen-aged boys, elementary aged daughter and 4-year-old standard poodle. She moonlights as a writer to ease the creative and sarcastic voices that constantly banter in her head. A native Texan that has tried to finish reading the same book for years, is fueled by coffee, and loves watching NBA basketball and professional soccer.

5 COMMENTS

  1. Beautiful.. Thank you for the vulnerability and bravery in sharing this. It touched and helped me as i’m sure it will many others well mama.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have one very similar……divorced, almost 40, and 4 kids. I want the kids to live a happy life, yet I struggle getting past my sadness that they have divorced parents. My divorce was nasty with my ex, but my kids never saw any of that. Although I can’t yet forgive my ex, I am friendly to him and make sure he is a big part of their lives.
    Right now, we are sticking to the rules of the decree, but I hope that we can be more flexible in the future. I really liked the fact that you use “what would we do if we were still married” to make decisions. I will communicate that with my ex.
    Thanks again for sharing. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has these struggles.

  3. Thank you for sharing this, it’s difficult to find people who are or have gone through similar situations. Not sure when it gets better, it is definitely a daily task but I am 100% sure that we will get through it and come out stronger. Keeping you in my thoughts mama as I know exactly the feeling.

  4. Thank you for this. I’m 40 and divorced with a 4 year old. I’m not sure how you do it with 4 kids but I am in awe! Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not alone.

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