“You’re going to be an AMAZING parent!”
How many times have you heard this? If you are or were expecting a child, I’m guessing you heard it more than once. We say it to expecting parents to boost confidence, to excite, to share joy. But, for me, it did the opposite. When I was pregnant and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my daughter I heard this phrase several times and it always rattled my nerves. In my professional life I was an early childhood educator and then a family therapist – I worked with children and families who had experienced toxic stress and trauma. I liked my work. Being this kind of professional made most of the people around me believe that I would be an awesome, fantastic, incredible parent. Having all the “right” information would make parenting a breeze, right?
Ha.
Haha.
Hahahahaha.
No. No, in fact, it doesn’t. Information is good, it absolutely greases the wheels of parenting and can be a powerful foundation for decision-making. But no – the way one parents comes from myriad sources, and information is only one of them. I have found over time that despite knowing the “correct” ways to handle situations with my kiddo (or my husband..or dog…or mother) I still manage to be totally human and completely flawed. And then comes the shame. “How could I not have handled that better?” “Ugh, I KNOW what to do, why can’t I just DO it!?” “What is wrong with me?”
The shame spiral is killer, y’all.
And the worst part is it doesn’t actually help me do better the next time, it actually makes me do the exact same, or worse. Because shame doesn’t motivate change, it just crushes the spirit of the shamed and a crushed spirit behaves worse….not better. Shame, unlike guilt, is not constructive. It just sinks the shamed deeper and deeper into negativity, loneliness, and often, rage. So my shaming myself was definitely not helping.
You know what is actually helping me? Lowering my expectations of myself as a parent (along with lots of support). Having self-compassion for the real, human, flawed me means I know I will make mistakes, especially when I’m tired or scared. I also know parenting is hard, and my mistakes are not because I am a horrible person. The picture I had in my head of the parent I was going to be was entirely unrealistic. Letting go of that is absolutely necessary to the health and happiness of both me and my daughter. You know what isn’t necessary for good parenting? Perfection. In trying so hard to be perfect anything else feels like abject failure, and casts a dark shadow of shame. It takes daily (hourly?) practice (and consistent work with my therapist), but I can see a tiny glimmer of lowered expectations, and it’s helping. A dear friend of mine told me on one of my worst days, “You are a perfectly adequate parent.” You should have heard me exhale upon hearing those words.
Perfectly adequate. I can live with that.
