I cried today.

I received a text from our daycare provider, and the tears came pouring:

“When Jensen went to lay down at naptime he asked for his pacifier, and I told him I didn’t have one anymore. He said grandma took it, lol… But he didn’t cry. He’s laying down.”

You may think there’s some underlying, deeper meaning to this text, but there’s not. This latest milestone – bye bye to the pacifier – has turned me into a big ball of mush.

We were way past due to ditch the paci. We said age 2. Then it was after we got through the toddler bed transition. Then the holidays. Then sickness. Then teething. Then travel schedules. Then… more excuses. Nearly two and a half and April was supposed to be THE month.

And guess what? It was. Except unintentionally.

We went out of town for vacation, and my stepmom couldn’t find Jensen’s pacifier. She thought maybe we had already broke him of it, so she just went along. And it worked. He asked for it once at nap the next day, and that was it. It then worked for my mom, then us, and then he actually never asked for it again until he went back to daycare 4 days later. He just moved on.

My heart semi-celebrated, semi-broke when I got that text. How silly does that sound? I’ve been more than happy to celebrate every transition and milestone – sitting up, ditching the pump, no more bottles, big kid bed – but this one, ugh.

The pacifier provided comfort and routine – not just for our son, but for us – and we were well aware we were just as attached. It saved us through many meltdowns, falls, naps and nights nights. Even though it was reserved for sleep and crises, and even though the attachment, at times, was annoying, hearing the sweet mumble asking for a “pappi” just never got old.

I thought the transition would be miserable. I dreaded it. But a simple “it went bye bye” completely did the trick.

And we weren’t even there for it.

Maybe that’s why I’m sad, because I didn’t get my personal parting peace. Maybe it’s because he does remember, and it makes me feel like he’s sad too. Maybe it’s because he knows “grandma” did it. Or maybe it’s because here’s yet another little piece of baby Jensen that we have to say bye bye to, and I’m just not ready for that.

These transitions are hard. They’re emotional. And this one got the best of me.

If you’re feeling silly like me and crying over what should be a household victory, don’t worry, I’m over here crying with you. You just keep those tears coming.

We spend a lot of time being strong, patient, teaching, training. We have to wear our big girl pants every day. We have to raise great humans.

But we’re human too, and these are OUR babies.

I think it’s okay to be irrational every once in a while, to be more sad than your own kid about ditching the pacifier. It doesn’t make us any weaker of a mom. If anything, I think the vulnerability proves just how deeply we really care.

Kendra Germenis
Kendra joined the mom club in 2016, followed by the #boymom club in Summer 2019. Kendra loves to write, and for AMB, enjoys sharing her new parent experiences, tips, and general love of Austin. For her, life is a balance of spending quality time with her family, pursuing her program management career, and still soaking up life and adventures. She also freelances through her art and design shop, Kitsy Co. Assorted loves: art, date nights, culture, road trips, Bravo, breweries, chocolate, house remodeling, sunshine, live music and patios.

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