I used to think everything changed until it got to a point where it was static and life stayed the same after that. Routines, checklists, work — that eventually I’d get to a point where I had it all under control and everything would be all good. Of course I know now life doesn’t work that way; everything changes, all the time. We live a series of seasons, and even if we get some semblance of control and order for a period, the truth is that we aren’t in control.
Things have changed a lot over the last few months.
When I first started writing for Austin Moms, I wrote a blog post called, “I want to be a stay at home mom AND a working mom.” I wrote about how before this little lady came into my life, I never thought I’d want to be a SAHM, because I worked so hard to become a doctor of physical therapy. Yet, when she arrived, I wanted both: to be with her, and to be helping others in my role as a clinician. I was just about to return to work as a full time outpatient physical therapist. My then-2 month old would be going with me, as we had on-site babysitters for kids of clinicians. I got to continue breastfeeding — not even pumping — because I got breaks to go nurse. There COULD NOT HAVE BEEN a better situation.
And it worked, for a while. For a while, it was wonderful to be able to continue my work as a clinician, with my little one just upstairs. But over the course of a few months, things kept adding up to show me that it was time to make a change.
The point I want to make is: things change. Seasons change. Needs, wants, circumstances change. Everything changes, but God stays the same.
However, after a lot of thought, prayer, and conversation with my husband, we’ve come to the decision that it’s time for me to stay at home with Mina, for now.
Everything changes, including our feelings and our circumstances. What is right during one time of life would be wrong during another, but I have confidence in God that He is unchanging and will be with me (and my family) through every change. A good reminder for me during this time is that I can’t always trust my feelings, but rather need to hold fast to our Father and His word. Everything changes, but God stays the same.
I still want to be both. I still want to be here, at home, with this opinionated, energetic, way-too-quickly changing 10 month old. I want to be here for her first steps, her first words. I want to be here to nurse her to sleep.
AND I want to work. I want to help people regain independence. I want to help people who have had the ability to walk and lost it, regain it again.
But for now, I want MOST to be with my daughter.
Does this mean I always love being at home with her? Oh, no. I need breaks, too.
I’ve only been a SAHM for 1 month and already I’ve asked my husband to take our daughter with him to a prayer meeting so I can go for a run by myself. I’ve given in to his offer of “sub” when putting her down for the night. I’ve checked out mentally while she plays. All of that is okay, too.
But everything changes, all the time… including her.
And I want to be here to see those changes as much as possible.
Could this, too, change tomorrow? Sure. I could get a job offer for the perfect position, and have childcare nearby, and decide it’s time to change from SAHM to working mom, again.
The point is that I want to remember to find the beauty in this moment, in all the wonderful things; and also be able to remind myself during the hard moments that this will change, too.
Everything changes, but God stays the same. I can trust Him and His plan.