For the new working mom struggling with guilt. I was so nervous yet excited when I found out I was pregnant with my first son in 2005. I loved babies so much and I was ecstatic that I was finally having my own. But from the emergency C-section and becoming a new mom to moving to Texas and starting a new life, those years were exciting and scary at the same time. We moved so my husband could play for the Austin Wranglers but we were out here all alone. After settling in Austin, the football organization folded so were forced to draw up a new vision and implement a new plan. My husband secured a job and I was able to stay home with my son, Elijah. We had so much time to bond and I loved every minute of it. I spent the next 3 years giving him so much of me.
Honestly, after the difficult delivery and our hardship after moving, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t want another baby. I was looking forward to Elijah starting school so I could go back to work to help us navigate through our new lives in Austin. By 2008, I was working in corporate America and I was focused on aggressively pursuing a higher role. However, in my heart, I was ready for another baby. In 2011, morning sickness hit me like two tons of bricks and instantly I knew. Although I felt horrible during the first trimester, I was so happy. I was happy that a sweet baby was on his/her way to my arms.
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Besides the first trimester, pregnancy with Isaiah was a breeze. Isaiah had his favorite kicking spot already picked out in my stomach so he kept my mind off of the summer heat. He gave me massive heartburn but I could envision the full head of beautiful hair that was causing it. He was so long that my OB said we needed to get him out of there. He was running out of room! The day he was born was easier than the months I carried him. He came out so cool and a full head of the curliest hair. Isaiah was ready for the world because it didn’t take him long to open those mesmerizing eyes. We were able to bond for a little while but I knew I had to return to work soon.
Isaiah only had me for a couple of months as opposed to the years I spent with Elijah. Every day I went to work felt like my heart was ripping into pieces. I felt so guilty for leaving him every morning. He was with my mom every day, but I wanted to be with him. I cried about it often in private conversations with my husband and he always took that time to reassure me that I was an extraordinary mother. I didn’t feel that way at all. Every time I saw Isaiah, I smothered him with so many hugs and kisses. Even though I was working outside of the home when he was a baby, the cuddles and kisses when I got home carried me through my most difficult days. I may have felt guilty about being at work but coming home to flowers he picked for me at the park instantly made those feelings disappear. It was always a joy coming back to those chubby cheeks and huge smile.
Even though he’s now 8 years old, every now and then I still have some working mom guilt about going back to work so soon when he was little. But his random hugs, the fact that he won’t go to sleep without me praying for him and his thoughtful compliments instantly make any feelings of guilt go away. Isaiah is an “old soul” who is independent, driven and an exceptional athlete who is 4’8 in the second grade. He is brave, passionate, fearless and has vision. He’s intellectual, loves reading, school and being challenged. We continue to bond over music, writing and our loquacious personalities. I think I was afraid that Isaiah would never be his mama’s boy but man was I wrong. Just as in my womb, he has his own special place in my heart and I couldn’t imagine life without him.
He made me accept that the season we were in when he was born, spoke volumes about where we needed to be to welcome him into our lives. He’s taught me such beautiful lessons of faith and gratitude. His life is such a gift and I’m so blessed to be his mom.
Photo Credit :: Lindsay Herkert Photography