“When I lose enough weight, I’ll buy new clothes.”
Besides the fact that there are no work functions, happy hours or vacations on my calendar anytime soon, I truly convinced myself that my body was not worthy of new clothes. I’ve spent quarantine lusting over New Arrivals on all my favorite sites, cringing when I’d filter results for my size, and building carts I knew I’d abandon. Fitting in these clothes—and eating this many calories, and tracking this many points, and declining this many mimosas, and doing this many squats while playing “Hot Cross Buns” on the flutophone—are expectations that are creating boundaries and delaying, if not depleting, any healthy physical or mental progress. These toxic notions have been deeply rooted in me since I was seven years old, when I first grabbed my belly in front of the mirror in a dressing room. I did not want to have a pool party. I did not want to wear a bathing suit called “The In-Betweener.” I did not want to be me.
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The truth is, we are not defined by the number on our jeans, the stretch in our leggings or our pre-baby weight. We are worthy, that little girl was worthy. Sometimes we just need a gentle reminder.
My reminder came in the form of a Facebook workout group from my hometown, perfectly titled “Better Together.” When I wasn’t refreshing the ASOS website, I’ve been working my worthy booty off five times a week, pushing myself to do workouts I’d never feel confident enough to do. Although we’re all sweating in our own homes, and the majority of the group is almost 2,000 miles away, I never feel alone. Whenever I felt like the weight wasn’t falling off quick enough or I didn’t look good enough in my pre-baby clothes, I was quickly encouraged to focus on how far I’ve come. For me, it’s no longer about fitting into a certain size. It’s about health, wellness, and being the best mama, wife, and friend I could be. I know that seven year old little girl would be proud.
Buy the clothes. Socially distance yourself from the fitting rooms, sample sizes and diet culture you grew up thinking was “the norm.” JVN the heck out of an at-home fashion show. If something doesn’t fit you like it does the model, that’s not your problem. Your body was not made to fit into the clothes, the clothes were made to fit your (beautiful!) body.
If you ever find yourself needing a little reminder, just look in the mirror and say “on the path to who I’m becoming, I still love who I am today.” (That’s what my trainer, Julie, taught me!) You’re going places.