My life as a Mama has consisted of more eat, sleep, nurse, repeat than put the thing down, flip it and reverse it and it shows. When the time came to release me into the wild for my first boozy brunch in ages, no person or establishment was ready. The day simultaneously breathed new magic into me while shaving years off my life. Here are a few lessons I learned from that afternoon adventure.
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The Walk of Shame is Alive and Well
You may not be hailing a cab with one shoe on after a one night stand, but the walk to your patient husband waiting curbside still feels a teeny bit dirty. You’ll be reminded why you married him when he turns up your favorite jams and reassures you that you’re not “like the worst mom ever” for having a little too much to drink.
You’ll Show Everyone Baby Pics
NO ONE is safe. Servers, the bartenders, tables in the surrounding area and the woman in the next bathroom stall will know your children’s names by the end of your meal.
Pro Tip: make a separate album in your phone with all your fave kid pics for easy access next time!
You’ll Forget Simple Math
Whoops! Forget all the degrees and hours spent with flashcards with your kiddo, you suddenly don’t know how many mimosas is one too many. Mom+(x)mimosas+babysitter=(y) I can’t solve for X but I can tell you Y—mama NEEDED this!
*This also goes for telling time. There’s a very high chance brunch may bleed into Linner and beyond.
You STILL have nothing to wear
Your strapless bra definitely doesn’t fit anymore and suddenly every shirt in stores is missing the bottom half. You’ll definitely go through all the stages of wanting to cancel while standing in the eye of a wardrobe hurricane on your bedroom floor.
Pro Tip: Remember, mom jeans are super in style (right, Gen Z?) so throw on a pair and hurry out the door before you change your mind.
You Won’t Know Any of the Songs
The music is louder than you remember, but you won’t know any of the words. Maybe you listen to the same playlist over and over again because the world is uncertain and you need something predictable, or worse, you’ve hit that stage of life where you no longer know all the hottest new artists. You got your “driver’s license” more than half your life ago and some of today’s lyrics will have you choking on your French toast, but just go with it.
Pro Tip: Mouth “watermelon” over and over to pretend you know the words!
Do NOT Bring Your Favorite Shades
Tiny bags might be super IN right now, but they just can’t handle mom life. When you’re used to carrying crafts, clementines, bandaids and full-sized scooters, the thought of leaving the house with just a few “essentials” will have you feeling like you were forgetting something all day. The trendy totes won’t be able to handle your ish (much like you not handling your liquor). So unless you plan to bring the Hershel diaper bag, leave your fave sunnies and other valuables behind. You WILL lose them.
Have fun, let your hair all the way down (and all over town—thanks PP shedding!) and have a designated driver on call. Much like after labor, I’ll be taking six weeks to recover, so I’m available to come pick you up.