(Trigger Warning: Pregnancy Loss/Miscarriage/Pregnancy After Miscarriage)
Pregnancy loss is sensitive and it’s full of pain, and heartbreak but that doesn’t mean that it should be a taboo subject that we must keep to ourselves. Just because a pregnancy wasn’t publicly announced, or more than 12 weeks doesn’t make the loss hurt less. 1 in 4 women will face this devastation and since Today is Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, I want to share my story in hopes that it’ll help shed some light. If it’s happened to you, know that you truly aren’t alone, you didn’t do anything wrong, and that your angel matters.
Since it’s viewed as this super personal subject, it took me a while to open up myself. After joining other pregnancy loss support groups, I realized that it wasn’t anything to feel shame from and that my story matters because my angel mattered. The baby mattered to me, to their daddy, and to their siblings. I mean, how do you fully make a 4-year-old understand that the baby in Mommy’s belly won’t be coming after all? You Don’t. No matter what I said, she still talked about it. Even to this day (almost 5 years later) still ask questions and wonders what life would have been like if things were different.
I actually had 2 miscarriages but after the first, we didn’t tell my older babes. The first one was considered a missed miscarriage. Everything was seemingly fine. I had the morning sickness, I was exhausted, we had seen and heard the heartbeat already, and I had already carried 2 healthy babies to term so I should be fine according to what they say, right? I went to the doctor eager to see my 3rd baby at the 2nd Trimester Check Up only to hear the words no mother ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” Immediately going numb and into shock I was unable to process what was going on. They brought me and my husband in to see the doctor and she went over my options. My body didn’t recognize that I had miscarried so it would be risky for me to naturally do it at home. I was in such disbelief I had 4 ultrasounds scattered over a few days just to believe it enough to go into the surgery center to have the D&C.
The following months went by, and we had to grieve each in our ways. I ended up with PPD which sucked because obviously there wasn’t a newborn to love on. I didn’t even know you could get PPD from a miscarriage, but it was one of those things you just don’t until it happens to you or someone close to you. A year went by and then two more lines appeared. Nervous and scared to be excited I went back to the doctor for close monitoring. After talking it over with my doctor she assured me that only 2% of women have back-to-back miscarriages. It was right before Christmas, and we were so excited for the Holidays and to start planning for another little.
At first everything was okay but then my levels quit going up, indicating a miscarriage was probably coming. Sure enough, this time I did have to miscarry at home. Did you know that miscarrying is essentially the same thing as giving birth, just on a much different scale? Sparring the gory details, it was horrible and heartbreaking. Facing this reality again was devastating. I replayed every little thing. My doctor and husband assured me there was nothing I could have done differently but that didn’t make me feel better.
“You already have kids, so it’s ok. Just focus on them.” “You’re young and healthy you can have more.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “It just wasn’t the right timing.” Just a few of the things I heard from loved ones after, all innocent I’m sure, but all making it seem like it was just some small thing, and not an actual life that was already so loved.
Getting pregnant with my Rainbows after the pregnancy losses was hard. I feel like the excitement was ripped away. I was always so scared for the appointments and eager just to get to the next week. I look at each pregnancy so different now, in that it’s truly so fragile and delicate. It’s easy to look at someone with a lot of kids and think it was so easy for them, but the truth is we don’t know what each other have walked through. There’s a really good chance someone you know and love, whether they have 4 kids or none at all, has had a miscarriage.
It’s a common thing & there shouldn’t be a stigma around it–not on Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day or ever. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s another one of life’s trials and a trial that needs to be supported.
If you know someone who went through this heartbreak show them love and support. Remember that Dad’s feel and grieve, too, so show up for them as well. They carry their own emotions plus are usually the support for grieving Mama. Both hearts are shattered. Grieving the loss of a baby, the loss of dreams and the life they had started envisioning from the second those two pink lines popped up. If they bring it up with you, let them speak about it even if you don’t feel like you have the right response. Don’t tell them they can move on or try again, just be there. Acknowledge the pregnancy loss and be a shoulder. One in 4 women (and of course men too) will experience pregnancy loss. Our loss matters and more importantly our Angels Matter.
If you have had or are going through a miscarriage our hearts are with you. If you need to talk, please reach out. There are several groups on FB and many of other resources. If you feel down or sad for too long see your doctor and speak up. It’s okay to not be okay, but please get help if you need it. Some recourses to utilize are below:
- Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
- American Pregnancy Association has information dedicated to pregnancy loss, still birth, and infant loss
- TexasChildrens.Org has a full list of resources
- Local Counselors & Therapist
- Your OBGYN
