As a mom navigating the beautiful chaos of motherhood and a long-term partnership, I understand the challenges of finding time for sexual intimacy when you’re feeling “touched out.” There were times when the emotional and physical tolls of motherhood left me feeling tense and disconnected from myself, making it hard to even think about intimacy. Yet, maintaining a connection with my partner remained crucial for our relationship and family. Let me share some insights and strategies that have helped me and others rediscover intimacy.
Touched out has become its own catch phrase in the world of parenting. In my research, I have found that touched out is an overlap of unmet personal needs and sensory overload.
The constant demands of children along with the mental load of household and family responsibilities often leave little time for self care, leading to exhaustion and a sense of depletion.
Sensory overload can come from the continuous physical contact with children, the non-stop noise, the never ending mess that comes with a growing family; really anything that bombards one or more of your 5 senses. For me, overstimulation manifests as tension and a sense of disconnection, where I find myself recoiling from touch. Most moms, once they notice that they are experiencing sensory overload disconnect from their body, making intimacy with a partner feel like an additional todo on that never ending list rather than a ritual of connection and pleasure.
Rebuilding intimacy when you’re feeling touched out involves creating a sensory-rich, nourishing environment for yourself and communicating with your partner. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:
Create a Personal Sanctuary: Set up a quiet space where you can retreat, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Use headphones to block out noise, an eye mask to shut out visual stimuli, and light incense with a soothing scent. Drink some water, and surround yourself with cozy textures like a soft blanket. This sensory reset helps in grounding and recharging your body.
Body Awareness Practice: Take time to be present in your body. I use a practice where I mentally call back the scattered pieces of myself to where my body actually is. Start by focusing on your toes and gradually move up your body, feeling each part. This mindfulness exercise helps in reconnecting with your physical self.
Chakra Meditation: Connecting to the chakra colors in your body through a chakra meditation can be incredibly grounding. These meditations, available on platforms like Spotify, help in centering your energy and reducing overstimulation.
Breathing Exercises: Use your breath to find a quick moment of connection. Deep, mindful breathing can calm your nervous system and help you feel more present.
Communicate Your Needs: Openly communicate with your partner when you need time to care for yourself. Let them know that taking a moment to recharge will ultimately benefit your relationship and family dynamic.
Express Desire for Intimacy: When you feel ready to connect intimately, express your desire to your partner. Clear communication about your needs and readiness can help in aligning your expectations and reducing any pressure.
Plan Intimate Moments Together: Instead of leaving intimacy to chance, plan moments where you can both focus on each other. This can be as simple as scheduling intimacy or setting aside time for a quiet evening together to connect emotionally and physically.
Morning Sex: Consider morning sex when you’re more relaxed and less overstimulated. Additionally, if you have a male partner, his testosterone levels are higher in the morning, which can enhance the experience for both of you.
Overcoming Mom-Guilt: Remember, setting boundaries encourages your kids to be independent and confident. Taking time for yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being and your ability to be a present, loving parent.
Transitioning from parent to lover takes intentionality and effort, but is always worth it to connect with your partner. I’ve been there, feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, but I’ve also experienced the reconnection that comes from prioritizing both self care and my relationship.
Ask for the support you need and trust in yourself.
