In our family, we have a firm “no gifts” policy at birthday parties. We typically have a small gathering where my kids receive gifts from Mom and Dad and from grandparents, and then a bigger party with friends only, the invitation for which clearly says “no gifts please.”
Of course I realize that other families handle birthday gifts differently, for a myriad of valid reasons. Some people may think I’m a birthday grinch (I have previously worried about being a Christmas grinch), but this is what works best for our family.
Here’s why we have “no gifts” parties and how we pull it off, as well as some fun ideas for alternatives to birthday gifts.
Why do we have “no gifts” parties?
Before we started having parties for our children with their own friends, we attended a few parties where the birthday kid received a ton of gifts, and I started to realize that may not work best for our family. For one, it’s hard for others to predict what the birthday kid will like and play with, and to avoid duplicating a gift they already have at home.
Even if every gift is a winner, a large amount of presents is overwhelming for our kids. They actually seem to do better and engage longer with toys when they have fewer choices. Also, the more gifts they have to open, the less appreciative they seem to be. It becomes more about ripping through the gifts as fast as possible and less about acknowledgement for who gave it to them.
The cost of bringing a present to every birthday party adds up financially and increases parents’ already heavy mental load. I never want to strain any family’s budget or make someone feel like a gift is the price of admission for attending our party. Time is precious, and if a friend is willing to take time out of their day to attend our party, that is truly the best gift.
The biggest factor for me comes down to waste. We will inevitably receive duplicate gifts, gifts the kids don’t play with, and gifts that don’t fit in our home’s limited storage. And while I do my best to purge toys responsibly by giving them to friends, posting them on our local Buy Nothing group, or donating them, it still doesn’t feel great to do that with birthday gifts. I’m on a mission to consume less, so while I wholeheartedly appreciate the thoughtfulness and effort of a gift, having “no gifts” parties is one easy way to do that.
How do our kids handle it?
My son has attended many parties for his friends where we have brought a gift. He has asked about why we say “no gifts” on our invitations, and I’ve explained that we care the most about our friends’ presence at the party and don’t want them to feel like they have to bring a gift to attend. We also talk about how it could be a financial burden for some families.
It has led to some good discussions about privilege—how we are lucky to be able to host a party, to have generous grandparents, to have a lot of toys already. We also talk about how we value experiences and community more than material items. My son has been pretty unconcerned with our policy; he is always so excited to play with his friends that the lack of gifts is no big deal.
How do we throw a “no gifts” party?
I’ve received party invitations that include language such as “gifts not required.” This confuses me, because it sounds like it actually means “gifts welcome but not required.” Obviously I want to err on the side of caution and avoid being the only one who shows up without a gift, because no matter what it says on the invite that feels awkward.
On our party invitations, I try to avoid that confusion by saying “no gifts please” or even “absolutely no gifts please” in more than one spot. It’s easy to skip over words in an online invitation so repetition is key. I also add in, “Your presence is the perfect present!”
So far it’s worked great. Most people don’t bring a gift so no one feels awkward because they’re the only one who didn’t. Sometimes kids make handmade cards for my son, which is sweet. Sometimes there are one or two people who still bring a gift, and that’s totally fine of course! I know gift giving brings people joy and I have nothing but gratitude.
What are alternatives to a “no gifts” birthday party?
If you want to host a “no gifts” party, but still want to have guests bring something for the birthday kid, here are some alternative ideas that still reduce waste:
- Book exchange
- Monetary donation for a charity
- Donation drive for items for people in need
- Food contribution, such as bringing their favorite candy topping for sundaes or cupcakes
- Ask the guests to create a piece of artwork or write a story for the birthday kid
- Have guests record a video clip with some kind words for the birthday kid
- Pre-loved gifts
