Suffering from “Mom Guilt”? Consider this…
My “mom-guilt” has been at an all-time high lately. If you are a mom, I’m betting I don’t even need to define “mom-guilt” to you. I’m sure you yourself have experienced it. Just in case you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about though (and I sincerely hope that for you), here is a definition:
Mom-Guilt (n): The most awful feeling of all time. It’s a feeling that begins to come over you, when you lay in bed at night (particularly after a really rough day) and think back throughout the last 15 hours with your children, and recall all the moments in which you failed, in which you totally sucked, in which you handled situations the exact opposite of how you SHOULD have. You think about how much you love and adore those children, and realize that almost NOTHING about the way you treated them throughout the day truly reflected that….and you just want to cry.
Anyway, like I was saying. My mom-guilt is at an all-time high lately. When I lay in bed at night and think back on my day, what I mostly remember is: Feeling irritated. Feeling annoyed. Feeling short-tempered. Wanting to cry. Crying. Wanting to yell. Yelling. Seeming completely uninterested in the never-ending story my 5 year old is telling me about something to do with Star Wars, because I’m tired, my toddler is screaming in my ear, my newborn isn’t latching on correctly while nursing, and…well…quite frankly, I just DON’T CARE about Star Wars. Not having spent enough one-on-one time with each kid. Not being engaged enough. Not having enough quality play time with them. Giving them too much screen time. Telling my two-year old (through gritted teeth) “mommy can’t hold you right this second. PLEASE quit asking!!!”. Saying way too many times throughout the day “mommy needs a few minutes to herself. Could you guys please leave me alone for just one second??”. Sighing. Sighing a lot. Rolling my eyes. Saying “no”, and “not now”, and “maybe later”.
I know. I sound like a horrible mom, right? I could argue “I’m justified! I just had a baby. Then I got sent BACK to the hospital a few weeks after the baby, with some complications. I’m now having to take birth control BECAUSE of the complications, which makes me somewhat of a hormonal disaster. My five year old is sooooooooo disobedient and difficult right now, and as a result, being his mom is exhausting”. All of those things are true, all of them have an impact on my attitude and frame of my mind throughout the day, and most of them can’t be helped. However, they aren’t an excuse, and because of that, I am trying to be better. My kids deserve better.
That being said, I had a bit of a revelation the other night, during one of my bouts of mom-guilt. I was lying there, literally tallying up the number of things I’d done wrong that day, moment by moment. I think I came up with like 25. Probably the 20 things I already listed above, plus maybe “let them eat too much sugar”, “argued with my five year old, when I should have just quickly and swiftly delivered a consequence”, “looked down at a text on my phone, while my kids were trying to show me something”, “didn’t make it to the bounce house even though I had told them we could go”, and “snapped at my husband in front of them”. And then I realized….even if there were 25..TWENTY-FIVE….moments throughout my day, where I was less than my best…maybe even at my worst…if I were to lie there and tally up all the times throughout the day where I’d been at my BEST…all the moments that I had done RIGHT….that I had chosen WELL…..it would probably be in the hundreds. I mean, seriously. I bet the same is true of you.
There is no question that we as moms mess up a lot during the day. And I think we need to recognize that, and try to fix what we are doing wrong. For me anyway, I know I SHOULDN’T be impatient, irritable, and annoyed at my kids. Its NOT ok, and I DO need to improve upon that. However, I started thinking about how many times during that same horrible day of mess-ups that I had:
– kissed my kids (x 50)
– hugged them (x 50)
– snuggled them in my lap
– DID listen to their 20 minute ramble (yeah, it just grew from 5 to 20. I like to be dramatic) about Star Wars, and even managed to come up with some questions that made me seem legitimately interested and plugged in to what they were saying
– Got on the floor and played Ninja Turtles with them, even though I am the ultimate girly-girl, and only ever played barbies as a child, and have no idea HOW to even play ninja turtles
– Read them an extra bedtime story, AND sang them an extra song, even though I was really ready to just be done for the day
– told them I love them (x 100)
– told them how special they are
– spent the time reading a Bible story to them, and talking about what we can learn from that…even though again…I was ready to just be done for the day
– Took the time to REALLY answer a question for them, not just give them the “I’m blowing you off, but this answer is good enough for now to make you be quiet” version
– said “yes” when it would have been so much easier/simpler/more convenient to say “no” (x 500)
– Remembered to give them their vitamins
– Made sure they drank lots of water throughout the day
– Got them all three bathed
(I realize those last three are not all that impressive, and are kind of “givens”, but look, if you are going to list out every single tiny thing you messed up on during the day, then you would be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t also list out every single tiny thing you did RIGHT during the day). And I guess that is the point of this whole post. So let me say that last sentence again, in closing:
“If you are going to list out every single tiny thing that you messed up on during the day, then you should also start listing out EVERY SINGLE TINY THING YOU DID RIGHT during the day.”
I have no doubt that that list will far outweigh the negative one.
I am going to start working to improve on my list of negatives…I want to be the best mom I can be for my kids. But at least now I (and you!) have a remedy to cure (or at least relieve) some of that dreaded mom-guilt when it starts creeping in!
Photo Credit :: Andrea Foster Photography
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I tally my mom-guilt every night as well, some days I let it bring me down. I try to remember that raising children is a marathon not a sprint so regardless of how much we fail our children every day we get a clean slate every morning! Remember that you aren’t their to entertain your children but to raise them! Sometimes the laundry (or whatever house chore you’ve let slide for the week) has to be a priority so your home can function. Having a newborn is tough, having a newborn and young children is just the right recipe for what seems like the worst part of parenthood! Take it one day at a time and take time for yourself, I know it’s tough but it’s important so that mom can be the glue that holds everything together!
VERY encouraging! Thank you for this!
Wait until you do everything you thought was right and they are teenagers. They think you have done nothing right regardless of all the happy childhood memories and relationship building you have thrown the last 14 years into. You think you feel guilty now? Just wait. And frankly, my kid is a good kid.
I relate to many of your posts. I have two young boys. You’re a good mom, you wouldn’t worry if you weren’t. I do love their reactions to simple little surprises or adventures, their snuggles and kisses, family time, the phrases they come up with and the love they bring. But boy it’s hard when they don’t listen or fight, etc. Hang in there mama.
Those last three totally count. I never remember to get my children vitamins. I’m pregnant and I don’t even remember my own! I never remember to make them drink water even though they get up almost every night for water. They continue to operate under the misguided impression that drinking water during the day does NOT help with needing water at night. As for the bath, they don’t really get those every night either. I’m so exhausted by the end of the night that I just want them in bed. I agree whole heartedly with everything you’ve said. Being a mom is hard, and the guilt is terrible! You’ve got everyone telling you everything you do wrong from the moment you conceive (before if you’re reading CDC.gov) and it’s hard to know who’s right and who’s just paranoid. So the guilt sets in. Women need to be encouraged from the beginning to do this parenting thing the way they and their husband feel is best for their family.
I can’t stop thinking about your off the shoulder shirt, lol! Where did you get it?
I needed this today. Thank you!
Awesome. Mommy guilt here every.single day. Today, I AM going to prioritize dusting. OK, so much dust on furniture that I’ll need a bucket of soapy water and a rag. And make sure the little ones are fed and drink their water. They are already dressed this morning, and already had to clean up some of their own toys.
Just read a few of your bloga and I’m so in love with your honesty and boldness. It’s speaks to me on so many levels it’s as if you were speaking for me… Wish I lived in Austin (place I’ve dreamed of living) and we could be besties ? Thank you for saying all of the things we wish we could say. You are amazing!! ❤️
I really needed this!! I have been feeling so much of this daily with a 4.5 yr old, 20 month old and a 9 week old! I feel like a failure everyday. It is so encouraging to hear I am not alone and to try to think of the positive. Thank you!!!!!!!