*disclaimer: sarcasm is defined as the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

People are curious. It’s human nature. Conceive a child though and people wanna know every last detail, including how and when said child was conceived. Apparently a baby (or food) bump makes it socially acceptable to ask about someone’s sex life. Wrong. Sure, finding out someone is knocked up means sex probably occurred (or not, which is exactly the point), but that certainly doesn’t mean they want to share all the gory details with you. I get the curiosity, I do. The whole miracle of pregnancy and birth and babies is straight beautiful. It’s hard to not feel excitement for anyone in that stage of life, but unless you are someone the pregnant lady really, really, really likes and/or her BFF then I’d steer clear of some of these more common inquiries:
  • Are you pregnant?

pregnancy humor

  • Was it planned? I firmly believe all women should respond with, “Bow chicka wow wow!” while gyrating their hips. That would be amazeballs.
  • When are you due? Not only did you need to know if I got jiggy wit it, but now you want to know exactly when? Gross.
  • Is this your first? So forget all that business about people wanting to know about the business. I think even worse than all that is the insensitivity inherent in these first few questions. Yes, it’s fun to know the potential birthday or if the new bundle will be joining a sibling, but you never know someone’s full story (unless they’ve told you). It’s common for folks to experience loss in the child bearing years. Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. Let’s remember everyone’s journey is different and allow them the space to tell their story if and when it feels right for them.
  • What are you having? Hopefully a baby.
  • You aren’t finding out the sex??? We didn’t find out the sex with either of our kiddos and boy did that create confusion. OMG how will you plan? How will you prepare? Yea, believe it or not you don’t actually have to know if your kid will have a penis or vagina in order to prepare for their arrival. We bought a crib and a car seat. Target sells diapers. My boobs are already leaking milk. I think we’re all set.
  • Will you be sad if it’s a boy/girl? I will be sad if I don’t have a healthy baby.
  • You are definitely having a boy/girl. There’s a 50% chance you are correct.
  • No coffee for you! Yep, a MALE caffeine Nazi hates pregnant women somewhere in Australia.
  • You aren’t supposed to eat/drink that. Mocktails are so stupid though.
  • How are you feeling? Still puking my guts out thanks.

pregnancy symptoms

  • You better sleep now. Believe me, I’ve tried.
  • Are you going to breastfeed? Breast isn’t always best. Feeding your baby is. Whether by boob or bottle is never anyone’s business.
  • You are so big! Yes, I’m growing a human.
  • Are you sure you aren’t having twins?
  • You are about to pop! I’m not having confetti, I’m having a human.
  • Did you swallow a beach ball? Someone missed the lesson on reproduction.
  • How much weight have you gained? You first.
  • Why haven’t they induced you yet? Cleary because I chose an incompetent care provider.
  • Are you dilated? Wait, now you wanna know what my cervix is up to?
  • Have you gotten stretch marks yet? Yes, I also have hemorrhoids.
  • You look so uncomfortable. I haven’t taken a dump in two weeks.
  • You look ready. I’m ready for the commentary to end.
  • Oh any day now huh? Well actually I’m only 26 weeks, but thanks.

  • You’re so tiny. Believe it or not every woman’s body is unique. One size fits all is a myth. While some of us might look like we swallowed a beach ball, another woman might just look full. Both women can grow healthy babies so stop making them feel like they are doing it wrong.
  • You don’t even look pregnant. The incontinence suggests otherwise.
  • Don’t overdo it! Pregnancy isn’t a disability.
  • A REAL doctor isn’t delivering your baby? Yep, McDreamy is delivering my baby.
  • What’s a midwife/doula? They practice witchcraft of course.
  • You’ll be begging for the epidural. Confident women empower. Insecure women do not.
  • You aren’t giving birth in a hospital??? Women are capable of making informed decisions regarding their bodies and their babies. Also, Jim Gaffigan is hilarious.

  • {insert horror story} Thank you for telling me that very tragic story. It really made me feel better about the 1,000 fears I have.
  • I did xyz and my kid turned out perfectly fine. Did you read that bit about confidence vs. insecurities? Yea, that’s really cool you did something different than me. How bout you own that choice now?
  • You must do xyz. Sanctimommy to the rescue!
  • That baby isn’t coming anytime soon. Oh yea, I forgot you were in my cervix earlier today.
  • Oh, you aren’t married? Yep, I’m giving birth to a bastard.
  • Do you have a name picked out? If I tell you, will you steal it?
  • You don’t have a name yet??? I did, but you stole it.
  • I knew a {insert your child’s name} they were terrible. Oh, they were an ahole like you. That’s cool.
He thinks it's a beach ball too.
He thinks it’s a beach ball too.

What obnoxious thing did someone say to you???


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