I first met my stepson, Caiden, when he was 5 years old, wearing Thomas the Train PJs. His dad and I had only been dating a few short weeks, but we both felt like we were headed for a long-term relationship and it just felt right to meet the most important thing in his life.
That’s rule number one for a step-mom: Accept that fact that you came second, therefore you have to share the number one spot.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years as a step-mom:
1) You are NOT “mom”
This has been a really hard one for my husband to grasp. He constantly wants me to act like I would if I were his son’s mom (whatever that means), but I am not his mom. He has a mother already. It’s unfair to her for me to try to replace her just because he lives with us and it’s unfair to him for me attempt to take on an unnatural role in his life. I love him, support him, guide him towards becoming a better person, and I’m here for him when he needs me, but I am not his mom. I’m Chelsea.
2) Get a counselor and/or a drinking buddy, STAT
I’m not going to sugarcoat anything- step-parenting is not for the weak. It’s committing to a life in the trenches, so to speak, so be sure your relationship with your significant other is ROCK SOLID before agreeing to take on this role. You WILL need someone to talk to that can help you process your feelings and understand the challenging family dynamics, whether that’s a counselor or a good friend. I once read a blog post about this issue that said “silence is best” because “no one wants to hear you rant and rave about your experience”. When I read that, I thought, “I would never have survived!”
3) Your marriage must be #1 
Make your marriage a priority. Back your husband up on his parenting decisions initially, even if you disagree with them, because you can always discuss them later in private. Make time for pillow talk, date nights, couple’s nights, and vacations (sans the children). Also, let your stepchildren see you hug, kiss, cuddle, and laugh together. They need to see that your relationship is strong and secure in order for them to feel safe as a family.
4) You have few or no “peers”
Don’t expect your friends who only have children of their own to understand what you’re going through. Being a step-parent is nothing like being a parent, even though you’ll hear the most obnoxious phrase – “just wait ’til you have kids” – almost weekly, if not daily. Step-parenting is like babysitting eternally, because even though you are the adult “in charge”, you never get to make a decision concerning the child without thinking about how the child’s parents may feel about your choice. This makes you second guess every decision you make, and you are always scared that whatever decision you make, will somehow negatively impact your relationship with the child, their mom, or your spouse. Also, other step-parent friends don’t know your specific situation and the challenging dynamics that go along with it. You’ll often feel in this alone so…again; not for the weak.
5) You missed a lot
When you birth a child and choose to raise that child, you have months and years of crucial bonding with them. You bond physically through cuddling, kissing, feeding, and nursing through illnesses. When raise a child half-time, or only see them on weekends and holidays, it’s damn near impossible to know them the way a mother does. Be patient with this process. Take time to get to know the child over and over again and realize that their likes, dislikes, even food preferences change rapidly. You will constantly be in a state of “catch up” and you’d better just forget trying to establish a routine. If they live with you, they’ll be with mom over the holidays and summer, and if they live with her, they’ll be with you summer and holidays. Your expectations and your “routine” will need to be flexible.
Common mistakes you should try to avoid:
- Being greedy with their father. Allow them to have their date nights and playtime without you around, too.
- Expecting instant bonding or instant family.
- Spoiling the child, being permissive, or attempting to “buy” your way in.
- Attempting to become a parent to them. Think of yourself as an aunt or a camp counselor instead and take on a loving, supportive role rather than “mom”.
- Having high expectations. Movies are misleading- ’nuff said.
- Badmouthing their mom or extended family to them.
Yes, being a step-parent is hard, but I know I am a much stronger person for having gone through it, Caiden is a better person for having me in his life, and my relationship with my husband is unshakeable!
Thumbs up if a step-parent has positively influenced your life!
I have done all of these things with my (kind of) step-children. I say kind of because my boyfriend and I agreed to never marry.
Nevertheless, my step-children have and their manipulating mother are doing everything in there power to never see there father or me again. It’s gone as far as court preceding, fake letters getting the Department of Child Services involved just so the children do not have to come to our home. I have loved, nurtured, cared for, helped them as a step-mom and never tried to replace her. I have a daughter of my own and I would never want her father’s girlfriend/wife to do that to me. So why would children do everything in their power to jeopardize a happy relationship for their father? Their mother is the one who cheated and left. She does things no parent should do or do around their children on legal aspect, yet he and I are the one’s at fault. Sometimes children can be manipulated at no fault of the parent who is hurting.
I loved this article! Truly inspiring and glad to see I am not alone in the step mothering world. The worst thing to be told is “just wait til you have one of your own” I feel like no one understands my struggles of being a stepmom. To me it’s harder than being a bio mother!
I wish I had seen this blog 10 years ago and tattooed it on the inside of my eyelids. I took a different route, wanting to be my stepdaughter’s “mom” alongside my own kids…
It was the hardest job Ive ever had. It’s still not easy and they are now grown.
All good, sound advice. I have shared with a friend.
Thank you!
I agree with most of this however every situation is different so not all apply. My husband and I are our kids/step kids primary caretakers. While I haven’t “tried” to replace their biological mother she has in a way forced it on me. My 5 stepchildren live with me full-time. They love me as if I was their mother and share with the world that I am their mom. I have stepped up and given them everything their biological mother wouldn’t. I love them just the same as my 2 children. So in my scenario, I am mom.
I really appreciated this article! Very helpful & what Ive been thinking on how to approach this new journey. Thanks alot!
Thank you for this article I’m new to being a step mom and its so hard! This article helps so much!
I agree with all of this but here’s my question… How do I get my husband to realize our marriage needs to come first? Because most of the time, if not all of the time, it doesn’t. We both came into the marriage with kids (who happened to be best friends so that was convienent) and we have his kids full week on and then 3 nights per week the week they are with their mother. Our only alone time is 4 days per month. Most of the time I can’t even suggest a movie without them unless it’s one they can’t see (yes even on our alone nights)….. Vacation sans kids? Out of the question. I really don’t know what to do. This is not what I bargained for.
Hi Jen, I just happened to come across your comment a couple days after you left it. I’ve been w/my husband for over 5 years now. I came into the marriage w/2 girls (now 5 and 9), he came into the marriage w/1 boy and 1 girl (now 15 and 12). He is 9 years older than me, so my stepkids aren’t even young enough to have actually been birthed by me! That dynamic made it easier, I guess, when it came to meshing our lives because my girls were the youngest ones who still required constant care from me while his kiddos basically took care of themselves (with personal things like bathing, picking out clothes, so on). Bruce, my husband, instantly took on the role of loving stepfather figure to my kids (their dad is still in the picture). He would even get up with my youngest (then 6’ish months) in the middle of the night to give me breaks. I was instantly comfortable in our relationship as a mom, stepmom, and wife because he showed me that he valued me in all of those roles. We still have date nights (though not as frequent), and this is the first year we haven’t taken a solo vaca together (my work schedule changed and hasn’t allowed it). My advice for you is to talk to your husband honestly and calmly. Explain in what ways you’re feeling neglected (without actually using that word). Suggest to him that to be the best parents, you need to have the best, most solid relationship as a couple. You two have to stay friends before you can be true lovers and therefore effective role models to your kiddos. I know it sounds cliche, but take care of yourselves first so you can take care of them the best.
I have beans searching the internet a lot and have found many great articles about step parebtibg, and early on about when to start introducing children to a relationship… But now HOW. Any advice for the inbetweens? Currently In a relationship and we want to be long term and are sitting around trying to figure out the best ways to introduce me to the family (no kids on my end and a Very PROTECTIVE preteen on his) – anytips for in transition?
@Lost in Transition.
Same here. We were dating for almost 3 years before I met the kids (I traveled a ton for work for two years so was barely around; we started dating during his divorce process, so we also waited for divorce to completely finalize since the girls really struggled with it — it took FOREVER; the last year I started being home more but we wanted to make sure we we were both on the same page of our relationship and ready for the next step before bringing the kids in).
My boyfriend’s family came in from out of town (like 5 of them) and since I have a great relationship with them, I joined them for lunch at the house while the kids were there. They were able to really talk up “how nice I was as a person to be a great friend to daddy” and that helped the kids get used to the whole thing with little pressure. Prior to that, my bf had mentioned to them that he and I did activities together, started posting things of us around (like a photo of us at a football game), etc so they knew that I was in the picture, but I was just presented as “someone that daddy likes spending time with”. After we all spent more time together over the next few months, (very platonically with no lovey dovey anything), we started incorporating more relationship things like hugging when I walked in or when one of us left, sitting on the same side at a restaurant, hand holding in the car, etc so the relationship seemed to naturally progress vs just jumping in and making the kids seem uncomfortable or uneasy with a stranger hanging all over their dad.
It’s gone very well. We have the two girls 7&11, so my bf also had us do activities where I could almost take a “teacher” role, which they are used to from school and sports, but it also gave us time to get to know each other. Baking cookies or muffins, playing new board games, making crafts. Things that have conversing as a secondary so it never felt forced, moreso it was welcomed to fill the gaps.
It’s 100% been hard and they still treat me like an outsider in some ways. Like when my bf is sitting on one side of the couch and I’m on th other, they both will go squeeze in by him vs coming near me. But it’s just an adjustment. Their mother is in the picture and they have a very close and protective relationship with her that adds some stress.
Overall the downsides are minimal. Keep in mind that as new as it is for you, you have the privilege of being an adult who can logically tbink through this process. These kids are just forced to roll with it. So as long as they are being respectful, a little wiggle room helps the relationship go a long way. I give the kids at least one day a week where it’s just them and their dad so they can have their quality time. Balance is super important.
But for real – get a drinking buddy! Haha
Hope this helps!!!!
I loved this post! I have posts from the other prospective. I’m the bio mom. I have so much love and respect for my sons step mom and your post was just so touching coming from the other point of view!