Mama’s Boy Gets a Sister
Merriam Webster defines the adjective jealous as this:
1. hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage
2. a. intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness
b. disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
3. vigilant in guarding a possession
Jealousy is clearly a strong emotion that evokes anger, sadness, and fear. I was so worried about it when it came to bringing home baby number two. In Lochlan’s infant world, I was his possession. Faithfully his with no rival. He is and always has been a mama’s boy.
I was worried he’d act out, I was worried he’d hate me, or worse, hate her. So I tried my best to be proactive about the situation. We definitely went through an adjustment period, but I don’t think that’s something you can really avoid. He needed to feel it and feel his way through it.
Nevertheless, I found that these strategies really helped us navigate things along the way.
#1 ~ Have a designated quiet spot in the house.
In the first few weeks after Isla’s birth, I found myself telling Lochlan to be quiet A LOT. “Don’t wake your sister!!!!” This was a losing battle and I quickly realized that expecting my almost 3-year-old boy to stay quiet like all day was not realistic.
So we set some boundaries that he could understand. If I was in Isla’s room in her rocking chair with the lights off, it was quiet time. He was welcome to come in, but only if he could be quiet. Otherwise, he could go into another room and be as loud as he wanted. Then we bought sound machines for every room in the house and just prayed that she’d be a heavy sleeper.
#2 ~ Extend the invitation.
Feeding times with a newborn were always the hardest times for me. I initially felt like I wanted my son far away so as to not disrupt the little nursling. But that too, quickly became unrealistic, especially when my husband went back to work.
So before each nursing session, I would invite him to join us. As I mentioned, he had to be quiet if we were in her room. If I was in the living room, he could sit next to me and we’d look at a book together while she nursed. No matter what, I’d invite him to join. As time went on, the newness wore off and he became less and less interested. He knows now it’ll only be a few minutes and he’s ok with sharing that time now.
#3 ~ Communicate about feelings.
When it comes to emotions and feelings, we make a very conscious effort to keep the conversation open and ongoing. Fortunately, the benefits of this one span well beyond jealousy issues.
We talk about BIG feelings like sadness and anger, but I also make it a point to discuss happy feelings, too. I want them to associate our talks about feelings with all emotions, not just the tougher ones.
When my son expresses jealousy through anger or sadness, I always start by telling him he’s allowed to feel what he’s feeling. Mommy and Daddy have all of those feelings at times, too. Basically, I validate, validate, validate.
Then I try to offer a quick and simple explanation. For example, if he wanted me to play with him while I was nursing his sister, I would simply say that I have to feed her because she’s hungry just like I make him meals when he’s hungry. I tell him I’m excited to play with him very soon. Trying to reason with a small child beyond that is pointless in my opinion. I’ve tried, and it’s laughable.
If (and when) he acts out aggressively or physically in a way that’s unacceptable to us, I just reiterate everything. Rinse and repeat. And rinse and repeat. Rinse. And. Repeat. It is exhausting. But in my experience, it is also worth it.
If things escalate and his unacceptable actions continue, I’ll resort to a quick timeout. It isn’t so much a punishment as it is just a little break. He isn’t timed, but rather I let him decide. When he’s ready to talk to me and make better choices, he can come out. It’s usually just a couple of minutes.
There are also a few things I try to never say. They feel counterproductive and I personally cannot stand when someone tells me anything of the sort:
“Don’t feel mad.”
“I wish you wouldn’t be sad about that.”
“Don’t let that bother you.”
“You can’t get mad every time I ___.”
Any and every emotion is always welcome here.
#4 ~ Embrace mommy and me time.
I designate time to spend with only Lochlan. When I commit to playing with him, I keep my word. Even if its only for 5 minutes and even if I’m completely exhausted. This is something I want to continue for both kids as they grow up. Daddy and kid time happens, too, of course!
#5 ~ Put them to work.
This one is a win-win if you play your cards right. At the beginning, he was my burp cloth fetcher and spit-up spotter. She was a very happy spitter so this one kept him busy. “SPIT UP!!!” he would happily yell!
He would also grab me a diaper or a wipe, even if they were within my arm’s reach. He’s gotten me snacks, brought me water, picked out her pajamas, and even sang her a song (while my heart melted). It makes him feel needed, important, and helpful, instead of jealous or like a burden.
Yes, sometimes giving a 2, 3, or 4 year old a job can sometimes backfire, but if you keep training them, you might be surprised at what they can actually help with. He’s putting away my laundry as I write this!
#6 ~ Learn the art of distraction.
Kids have a tendency to make a BIG deal out of nothing sometimes, am I right?
Amidst hormones and sleepless nights, I had to learn to pick my battles. So when you’re in the trenches and you just can’t even deal, repeat after me:
“Want a cracker?”
“Hey isn’t that Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on TV?”
“Oh look! I think I see a squirrel climbing on our tree! Go look out the back window and see if you can find it!”
Then take a deep breath and give yourself some grace. Not every moment has to be teachable or profound. Sometimes you just need to survive and that is more than okay.
#7 ~ Never underestimate the power of a HUG.
If (and when) I feel lost as a mom, or pretty much anytime I’m not sure what else to do, I say this:
“Do you need a hug?”
I think this actually translates as “I need a hug”, but either way, keep this in your back pocket. Hugs always help. They help with jealousy and basically everything else. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
