My two-year daughter is kind, thoughtful, curious, and sometimes in the wrong. She’s smack dab in the middle of this stage where she’s got big feelings + opinions but is struggling to share them or shares them at socially inappropriate times. Processing and communicating all too often overwhelm her and honestly me. These are the moments when she has what most label a “tantrum.”
I hate the use of the word, and the phrase “terrible twos.” It’s not fair to her or the stage of life she’s navigating right now. She’s not an adult with decades of experience understanding empathy, emotions, and social cues. And it’s part of what I love about her, she unabashedly wears her heart on her sleeve. The world will do enough crushing of her spirit – I’m not about to join the party. So if you see me in Target letting her feel all feelings, you’ll know why.
But what about those times when she’s in the wrong?
I knew from day one, I didn’t want to spank my child. My parents spanked me, but they hated it (right Mom and Dad?!?!). And it didn’t help. Instead of keeping negative attitudes and bad actions at bay, it made me edgy. I felt as though my body wasn’t my own. So, I figured time-out would be our jam.
It’s not. In retrospect, I’m not surprised. Time-out didn’t jive with me as a child. I liked being alone so it was a reward, but for my sister it made her feel abandoned. In this case, Henley’s like my sister. Maybe when she’s older time-out will hold some meaning, but at 2+ years old, she doesn’t connect time-out to actions. It’s just us leaving her in a corner.
So we’re left with…talking! Eons ago, our dog trainer emphasized the importance of never saying “Bad dog” and instead labeling actions as bad. This sentiment is something I convey again and again at work – give feedback on the behavior not the person’s character. Talking is not as easy as it sounds. Instead of saying, “you’re rude,” I consciously have to pause to label the behavior as rude and say it hurt my feelings.
Disappointing us breaks her heart. So when I tell her – it made me sad she threw her Cheerios across the room, that matters to her. Sometimes it takes her all day to sit with the news her actions were upsetting, but eventually, she’ll apologize on her own for making me sad. Sometimes she cries for a chunk of time because she knows her actions were wrong and isn’t ready to process how that makes her feel. It’s part of her learning process. And ours.
Our parenting tactics evolve as our daughter does, but the spirit remains the same, we want her to know she’s loved, to grow up kind, and to learn to persevere when she fails. Hopefully, these small moments help her evolution.
How do you handle your toddler’s “tantrums”?
