Rejuvenating Intimacy: 10 steps After 10 years

There is no exaggeration in the reality that kids change everything about your life, from your body to your marriage they impact everything. It is easy as parents to get lost in this stage of life focusing on our kids, feeding charts, potty training, extracurriculars, etc. But it is essential to find ways to maintain that special closeness with your spouse and not lose sight of that importance. While physical intimacy will be discussed, true intimacy is so much deeper, and essential to a strong marriage. 

Step 1: Communicate

Brene Brown says, “there is no intimacy without vulnerability.” I would add that to create intimacy through vulnerability, communication is as essential as water or air. Absolutely no other step matters as much as communication. My love language, knowing what I want, knowing my physical needs or insecurities, finding something new I want to try, or wanting a partner are meaningless if there is no communication. You have to be open, honest, and vulnerable with your spouse or there will never be true intimacy. Even on your worst day or theirs you have to talk to each other. Nothing is off limits for communication and everything is on the table. 

Step 2: Know your love language

We have a recent blog all about the five love languages that is definitely worth the read if you have never heard of love languages. The idea is there are ways that we give and receive love and how important it is to know those to meet the needs of your spouse and children. This really positively impacted our marriage. My husband is physical touch all the way (we’ll get to that in a minute) with a little quality time mixed in while I am words of affirmation and acts of service. I don’t want to spend an hour together when there are dishes in the sink, but there are times I do this, because it is what he needs. 

Step 3: Get Physical

While it is not the only form of intimacy, there is definitely something to be said for the positive effects of physical intimacy. There are some really interesting stories of couples who have tried doing something physical every day to see how it impacts their marriage or relationship and not surprisingly it pretty much always had positive effects. I am not saying you need to go have sex every day (but definitely reflect on how often it’s happening), but something as simple as kissing each other, passionately, daily can make a big difference. Physical connections are carnal and powerful.  Remember that sex is a healthy part of marriage and has a ton of health benefits as well as a rejuvenating effect on the intimacy of your marriage.  

Step 4: Make time for each other 

Date nights are such a lovely idea. But when you’re busy, working, or living away from family, they can also seem like a fantasy. I completely understand, we might get a handful of date nights a year and that is our reality. But there are so many other ways to make time for each other. Time together after the kids go to bed or coffee before they wake up are wonderful ways to just check in and spend time one on one. Our favorite weekly date nights are on the back patio, after the kids have gone to bed, with some wine or cards. Never stop flirting. 

Step 5: Balance

We know balance is so important. While making time for each other is important remember that you have your kids and yourself to look after as well. No part of your life should suffer for another part. Don’t prioritize your spouse to the detriment of yourself or kids because that often leads to resentment, not intimacy. I am extrovert and sometimes I need to vent and be held, but my husband is the opposite. When life is overwhelming for him he needs a few hours to himself. Both are okay and should be respected and communicated. 

Step 6: Try Something New

Spice things up! Step out of your comfort zone with your partner. This may be a fun couples book (we love Me, You, Us by Lisa Currie), a new restaurant, or a new sex position. Don’t be afraid of change, it keeps things new and exciting. It is proven that breaking out of our norm gets our brain functioning at higher rates and connecting in new ways. It can be scary and vulnerable but experiencing it together can be so powerful. 

Step 7: Know Yourself

From your love language to your physical desires and preferences, it is so important to know what you like. How can we expect our partners to meet our wants and needs if we don’t know what those wants and needs even are. This is soooo important for us as moms because we change so much as people in this journey of motherhood. It is okay to admit that we are not the same person we used to be as long as we communicate that to our partner to grow together instead of apart. 

Step 8: Passion

Most of us had a passion when we first met our spouse. Passion for them physically, intellectually, and emotionally. That fire doesn’t always feed itself, but can be so powerful for maintaining the intimacy and closeness between you. Find ways to remember why you fell in love, and fall in love again, and again, and again. Your partner can still give you butterflies. 

Step 9: Daily Ritual

Every day we need our “bucket” filled. Have a daily ritual with your spouse that gives you both an opportunity to fill each other’s buckets. Depending on your marriage and schedule this might mean time together or texts, or a simple I love you in some way. My husband and I work opposite schedules so there are days where the only communication we have is texts or phone calls, but we make it and tell each other often how much we appreciate the other and love each other. 

Step 10: Be Partners

In this journey of parenthood and life it is soooo vital to remember that your spouse is your partner. They aren’t the competition and they’re most definitely not your opposition. Life gets hard, your kids will get sick, you might lose your job or parents, debt sucks, and all of it is harder if you are fighting the very person you chose to spend your life with. Treat them and appreciate them as though they are your comrade in arms, that they are your greatest protector and you are theirs. If this is a struggle for you I highly recommend the book The Argument Free Marriage by Fawn Weaver. I scoffed at the title but it was incredible for our marriage.

This last year has been the hardest of my marriage and life but our marriage is undeniably stronger. 

We’d love to hear how you stay intimate with your partner in the comments.