I’m a dreamer and a go-getter. I always have been. I don’t feel comfortable unless I’m slightly over committed. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. It’s part of my DNA. But things took a dramatic turn when a little man came into my world named Levi. He is my two year old son who is smart, loving, considerate, bossy, and impulsive. Being his mommy is truly the greatest joy of my life. I enjoy all his little stages (although we are currently in the temper-tantrum 2 stage and I’m thinking I could skip this one). Becoming a mom has slowed me down a lot… a lot. So much so, that I recently I can’t help but feel like I am losing myself, and that is scaring me to death! Not to mention I’m almost in my 3rd trimester with another baby and feel like a giant blob.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very over-committed. I am publishing a book, working full-time job, teaching fitness classes, and developing my own handbag line.
This is all in addition to trying to be somebody’s fiancé, and mom. My house is rarely clean, and if company comes I need at least 48 hours notice (absolutely no pop ups). I’m still trying to get Levi on a consistent sleep schedule, which means it’s a 50/50 chance I get decent sleep. So many days, I feel like I’m drowning. I just can’t seem to get on top of things once and for all.
I recently heard an interview with Bishop TD Jakes that pretty much changed my entire perspective on this season of life I’m in. As you might know, TD Jakes is a world famous preacher, mega church pastor, entrepreneur, philanthropist, real-estate developer, husband, father, and possibly a few other titles I know nothing about. He was asked how he juggled it all, and his answer gave me a new strategy and great comfort. I’ll paraphrase, but he said something like this, “In the course of one day, I never get to all the things I want to. When I get a lot done in the business, I missed a ‘father’ moment. If I get a great father moment, I spent very little time with my wife. Rarely am I on top of all things at once, I miss things often, but the key is to never let it be the same thing twice.”
When I heard this my eyes welled up with tears, and I thought, “that’s it!” I’m never going to be perfect, but I can never let one thing completely go neglected.
Here’s what I know for sure: my babies will only be babies for so long. These are precious and beautiful moments I will never get back. It is my desire to be fully present in every moment; I don’t want to be spending time with my kids with my mind and heart in a completely different place. They need me to be their mommy, and I count that responsibility the greatest blessing of my life. I have the rest of my life to be an author/speaker/TV Host/diva extraordinaire. I have to believe the right opportunities will come when I’m ready for them. I’m not giving up on my dreams, I just can’t go at the pace I used to.
I can’t compare my success to others who don’t have a situation like mine.
This is the state of my journey in motherhood. I would love to write to you as an expert and someone who has figured it all out, but quite frankly I’m right in the thick of things and am trying to find my way.
My house is rarely presentable, I’m often late for work, I’m three months late publishing my book, and I’m pregnant and moody (according to my fiancé). But I’m also overwhelmed with love and kisses every morning, have a house filled with laughter, and feel a greater sense of purpose than I’ve ever felt. I’m two years into mommy-hood and it is hard as hell, but man it’s so worth it! And when I really think about it, I wouldn’t change one thing about my life.