Infertility affects so many silent warriors. Some choose not to share their journey which means the echoes of the racing thoughts in their minds go unheard.
Back in 2013, I brought my son into the world. We welcomed him into our hearts and our family with great expectation and hope. He was the physical representation of a wish made long ago to give my daughter a brother. He was snuggly, looked like his daddy and grabbed onto my heart with his first passing smile.
Fast forward a few years of hard fought experience and surprises, we were ready for another addition. With expected hope, we waited for a pink plus sign on a morning test.
We waited for over a year. Feeling defeated, we went to fertility specialists, did rounds of hormones and changed gynecologists. Several more months passed of infertility. But on the day of our 11th wedding anniversary, I got my pink plus! We were over the moon. It seemed as if everything we had done had paid off and our dream was coming to fruition after a test of Faith.
Sadly, 10 weeks into the pregnancy and with heavy hearts, we found out we had lost the baby. A day I relive quite often. The ache pops in and out of my days unexpectedly and with jarring force living through infertility.
I refused to give up. With every fiber of my being, I wanted another child.
We went back to the fertility doctor, found a specialist for my autoimmune disease and changed OB/GYN doctors again. First up on the ever growing checklist? Infertility specialist appointments. We were almost there when we started hearing the whispers of COVID-19 swirling around us. I pushed down the fear to move forward. It wasn’t until the doctor said that all appointments would be postponed that my heart just sank. It could have sank to the bottom of the furthest depth of the ocean for all I knew.
The super team I had assembled now sits idle. Forcing any plans to wait until July (for now). They won’t even let me go in for lab work to get the process started. The doctors say I have time but it sure doesn’t feel that way. It feels like I’m sitting on go. I feel alone, sad, barren and like time is slipping through my fingers.
Accepting that the answer is “no” is heartbreaking. I shift back and forth to appease my need to feel like I am moving forward but I am spinning my wheels. I feel angry about all that this has taken away from us. I feel like my chance is connected to a balloon that is far out of my grasp and rising away from me. It catches on my exhales sometimes and I have to choke back the sobs I feel deep in my chest.
Infertility affects so many silent warriors. Some choose not to share their journey which means the echoes of the racing thoughts in their minds go unheard.
I know these thoughts. They take up space in my heart radiating big pulses through my body and mind.
To be put on pause when you were moving forward is gut wrenching. The only comforts I have are my Faith, my family and the thought that many who struggle see their rainbows come to brighten their days after even the biggest storm.
