My husband recently injured his back making me a single parent for the next 6-8 weeks. I know I’m not the only mama of a two parent household that has experienced this. Even with two parents around, situations come up that leave one person in charge of doing ALL the things. ALONE. Work schedules, travel, sickness, broken backs, the possibilities are endless. This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve had to “single” parent our children either. In fact most of the reasons listed above have popped up in our lives leaving me (or my husband) to handle the chaos solo. Most of the time it’s manageable and generally only lasts a few days, but this time has really kicked me in the feels.
I’ve realized that no matter what, the truth is two parent households can NEVER compare themselves to a single parent household cause guess what? There are still TWO of you. A true single parent lives life doing ALL the things. ALONE. 24 freakin 7. Until the unforeseen future. I mean I doubt single parents do life with the mindset of an ending cause how the hell can they know?? Ok only 2 more weeks of being a single parent. No. You can’t predict the future and there’s no way to know ahead of time about your way of life changing. Which is the main reason I believe single parents have a harder job than you. There’s no end.
While I am in fact parenting solo right now, I also have an end in sight. I know that with time my husband will heal and slowly but surely he can start helping me again. Same goes for business trips or even deployments. There’s a predetermined amount of time your partner will be gone. Something I can whisper to myself when I’m going insane in the mombrain. Just 3 more days. Just 2 more days. Just one more day. Hallelujah he’s home! I’m going to happy hour. Peace out!
Ultimately though my time as a pretend single parent got me thinking about all the other reasons real life single parents got it harder than you ever will. Here are just a few:
-Um have you ever had one of those mom days that require chocolate or ice cream or wine or all of the above? What happens when you have none in your house? You drive your buns to the Sonic drive thru as soon as those kids eyes are closed of course! But wait, real life single parents don’t have this luxury!!! I realized this the first time my husband ever left town. I was devastated. I maybe even just for one millisecond considered if the baby monitor would reach that far. Don’t worry people, I said I considered it. I didn’t do it. I ate peanut butter instead.
-What about that one time you are changing your kids poop diaper and they start pooing some aftershock in your hand? Well I started screaming for my husband of course. He was able to take the baby and start a bath while I washed my hands 15,000 times. Team work. Real life single parents gotta figure out how to pick up a baby while holding poo in their hands. The struggle is real y’all.
-What about sleep? OMG my fake single parenting has me thinking about all the real life single parents and their level of sleep deprivation. My daughter didn’t sleep for her first year of life. I joke all the time that I thought I was going to die. BUT I HAD A PARTNER doing the non-sleeping dance with me. So what if he was out of town for bits and pieces of it, he EXISTED!! We helped keep each other from dying, fa real. So really, how do real life single parents do it? How do they not die from sleep deprivation? I can’t even speak the words “I’m tired” in front of a single parent. That would be like an assault with my words.
–What about that period of unwinding at the end of the day? Single parents don’t have someone in their corner every day to vent to who understands. Someone to talk to about the frustrations of breastfeeding, teething, colic, or tantrums. Someone who understands because they are going through the same thing with the same kids. Even if it is through a text, phone call, or email that is still something I have despite my non-single parent status. ~ Kimberly Pena
-What about that whole stay-at-home vs working mom debate? How all the people keep going back and forth about who has it harder? Well news flash, real life single parents are like a category all their own. I’d assume without two parents in the mix, most real life single parents don’t have time to think about their career, let alone staying home full-time, they just gotta pay those bills y’all. Now don’t get your panties in a twist. I’m not saying one mom is better than another (except I am cause clearly single parents), I’m just saying two parent households probably have a little more freedom to think about something other than how they will buy groceries on any given week.
I think you get the idea here. Yes, it sucks having to do all the things solo. It makes life harder for anyone, single parent or not. And I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s experience here either. I’m the first to say parenting is HARD, even with two parents around to keep the tiny humans alive. But my experiences doing things solo have given me new perspective and made me realize and appreciate how truly incredible single parents are. They are effing Saints I tell ya. I want to hug all of them and tell them that I see them being amazing. I see them in the chaos and they are owning this motherhood business. Like a boss.
Ohh my, couldnt agree more! I have been thinking exactly this a lot in the past months!! I am living abroad and have been flying back home with the baby to see my family quite often and a lot of times my inlaws or friends are like “why do you travel alone, this is too much blabla”, i always think that if i would be a single parent then I had to do everything alone so yes i can manage a trip home alone.
Why do so many women agree to putting themselves in that situation? Now they’re crying out as martyrs and seek attention. So sad for these children.
Oh please women are left by husbands and partners all the time, sometimes after decades. You could be as well. How arrogant.
Yes!! This is a great piece! I was raised by a strong, single mama and I never fully appreciated how hard she worked for us until I had children of my own. It makes me want to go back in time and be kinder to her during those teenage years of mine!
Thank you for writing this article. I am a single mother of a 16 mth old and have been a single mother since she was 9 mths old. Its nice to hear that even non single mothers can relate.
SINGLE PARENT – meaning a person bringing up a child or raising children WITHOUT A PARTNER … lol.
In your case using the word single parent so loosely is not valid… lol.
You are not a single parent at all, even for 2 weeks Alexis, your partner is still around, even if they are away ..lol.
Actually the other person doesn’t come back at all and you don’t have anyone to confide in anymore, for the rest of your life… lol.
I love your Blog and your heart to have compassion and empathy for single parents… Thank you.
You had me in stitches, I couldn’t stop laughing, I love your style of writing Alexis.
May you live a long life with your husband.
Regards
Daphne Marsters – The Single Parenting Expert.
Author to Parenting 101 The Single Parents Musical Guide to Live Your Dreams
and its companion Journal Your Journey 1.
http://www.parenting101thebook.com
There are much bigger issues…such as trying to figure out plans for what will happen to your kids if something bad happens to you. That one keeps single moms up at night.
What if one kid needs to go to the hospital for a stay? What about the others?
That is something I think about every day…what will they do if something happens to me…we all know they will live with my brother, but my fear of them living parentless is overwhelming at times.
When mine were 3 and 4 my youngest had to get his tonsils out and had complications…the hospital told me that my other child want supposed to stay overnight, but thankfully I told then that I promised we would be quiet and I would keep him in the room so no one could see her stayed and they allowed him to stayfor the 3 might we were there. Another time my youngest had to get stitches in his eye brow…my other child had to be there and reacted worse than the hurt child because he was afraid for his brother. He was 4 and yelling at the doctors…it was an awful experience…but what do you do? There’s no other choice. Thankfully I haven’t been in the hospital to where they couldn’t stay with me…it’s a scary thought for sure!
Thank you so much for this! My kids are 11 and 12 and I have been a single mom since they were 1 and 2. Youre right when you don’t have time to think about things…You just have to get shit done. Note that they are older I am getting a little more time to myself but there are still many things that I can’t do while doing everything. And I feel bad sitting it, but it does sting when someone has to be a”single parent” for a few days and they say “I’m not ready to be a single parent this week”. I understand their challenges, but they honestly have no idea what it’s like. I will admit, there are awesome things about being a single parent too! We get to do what we want with only have to coordinate one parent schedule…I get ALL the cuddle time with my boys…no sharing with dad…and I get ALL the hugs and love of my boys..they see what it means to work hard….I can’t deny that…and would never trade our life for anything!
Thanks for this article. Half of a couple who have to parent “alone” for a while don’t fully appreciate *all* that comes with being a single parent. When your husband/wife is away on business, you aren’t left to contemplate whether or not to date, (re)marry, or have more children with another man/woman. You probably aren’t left deciding whether or not to take a vacation just you and the kid(s), if you can even afford one on one income. Those are biggies but they are very real. Sometimes it’s as simple as your child having a fever and not feeling well and you don’t have any medicine for them. It’s not as simple as sending a spouse out to pick some up. There is also the fact that most of us enjoy sharing stories about our child(ren) with the other parent. When you don’t have that other parent to share things with, it can be very lonely.
I’m a single, and only, parent of a 7 and 5 year old. I’ve been widowed for 4 years. Thank you for this article, I feel it x’s 1000. I read this and felt like screaming it then doing a mic drop.
Love this, thanks for writing it. I’m a single mother to a child with special needs. Therapy 3 times a week, work, then general life. Add on top of that nasty custody battle joys from a father that sends no support. People say I’m strong, I don’t feel I am. I’m simply doing what any good mother would do. Everything possible to care for my 2 and half year old angel I’ve been caring for solo since she was 8 months old. Thanks for giving me light to what I really do!