When I became a wife I knew that life was going to be different. There was going to be an opinion that might not agree with what I want to do. Discussions with another person about what to eat for dinner and where to live were now necessary. Whether we did what I wanted to or not, I could always retreat into my books, movies, crafting, or journaling for some quality me time. I would meet up with co-workers and friends after work or on the weekends. When I became a stay at home mom I realized life now revolved around having to breastfeed, clothe, and bathe a tiny human. Week in and week out there is a lack of me time, it’s always ‘us’ time.
From the early morning feedings to the half-crazed afternoons filled with tears, laughter, and an abundance of books and toys. I struggle to eat, drink enough water, or feel productive as dinner time approaches. Then the long drawn out bedtime routine begins. When I finally fall asleep I’ll be awoken two to three more times. That early morning feeding comes back around and the fun starts all over again.
Those are my days now – no me time. They don’t stop for the weekend, what is that anymore? Our routine is only compounded by finding and attending family activities, grocery shopping, meal prepping, and trying to spend quality time with my husband.
This may sound slightly (or intensely) dramatic because I could run out and do some ‘me’ time, but it takes so much preparing and planning. There are days where preparing to go out is more exhausting than actually going out. Rather than deal with all that drama I just stay home in my sweats with my tiny human. I’m glad I made the decision to stay home and watch this little lady grow up, but there are days where I wonder if I did the right thing for me.
I so desperately just want an hour, an afternoon, a day, a week to myself. Time where I don’t have to be a mom or be someone’s wife. A chance to run out to get coffee, either by myself or with a friend and catch a movie. I’d have a delicious three-course dinner where each course is made up of desserts and then drift lazily into an undisturbed sleep. I’d get up and go to an office, interact with adults, indulging in conversations where I don’t have to use my mommy voice. There would be complex problems to solve and HR technology to work on.
I have to snap out of my daydream as I realize that my daughter, Madi, is silent. I look over and see she’s moments away from getting into the dog’s water bowl. As I pick her up, she gives a little laugh knowing that she’s been caught. Madi places her tiny hands on either side of my face and gives me a very wet kiss. She says ‘da-do’ while patting my cheeks and my heart melts.
There’s no me time, but it’s moments like these that I realize that the ‘us’ time is worth it. As Madi grows and develops she’ll learn to do playtime independently. Then I’ll be able to write and do research without her crying for attention. I’ll return to the workforce and hopefully work on HR technology again. There will come a day where I’ll have hours of ‘me’ time. For now, the madness continues and I remind myself that this too shall pass.