Holding My Rainbow Baby

I’ve always known that God’s plan was better than my own, but in the midst of trying times, it’s hard to keep that positive perspective. On a hot summer day in July, I was convinced yet again that God’s plan is better than I could have ever hope for. The moment I met Hudson, I knew he was the boy we were meant to have as our second child in our arms.

I had a difficult time finding the words to fit my emotions as I met our second born. Even with the excitement of his birth, my past intimidated me. It felt too good to be true that I was actually able to kiss this sweet baby’s face.

Heartbreak changes your perspective. After two babies lost, we held hands (and our breath) as we saw Hudson’s heartbeat flashing on a screen. We prayed hard for this little heart, praying it would be strong enough to carry him through the next 8 months.

I prayed so hard for the chaos, and neighbor kids running through my house, making memories with my kids. I prayed to have my hands, my heart and my lap full of wiggly children to love on. So yet again, it has been proven to me that God’s plan is greater than my own. I thank God for unanswered prayers, because he knew how much I needed these blessings I’ve been given. He knew how much joy they would bring to our family.

My rainbow baby was worth waiting for.

As I now rock my precious rainbow baby, I count my blessings. I am so thankful that God picked me to be his mommy. That God entrusted me, for a second time, to mold and shape another precious life. I am grateful for the opportunity to spend my days being their mommy. Grateful to be able to create lifelong memories for them. Grateful to take time to paint their sweet hand and footprints, share a sticky peanut butter and honey sandwich, find teaching moments after a fit, laugh and smile with my boys, and tuck them in at bedtime. I’m so thankful I get to watch them grow and have a front row seat.

I now have three sons of my own after years of uncertainty and failed attempts.

There was a time in my life when I doubted my body could be strong enough to hold another pregnancy, or that my heart could risk another heartbreak.

But I am so thankful God chose me to be their Mommy. I’m grateful we spend our days laughing, learning, and growing together. Life with my babies is beautiful chaos, and I am so grateful for the messy days, sleepless nights and toddler fits of our new normal. I will take it any day so that I can be their Mommy.

To my rainbow baby,

You are my hardest laugh, my strongest fight, and my biggest anticipation.

You taught me that my plan isn’t always the best plan.

You are my rainbow after the storm of heartbreak and you were completely worth the wait.