Oh, Motherhood. It often feels like a daily fight for survival. But there are some ways we can make it easier on ourselves. I’ve collaborated with my friend and colleague, Dr. Sarah Griesemer, who specializes in the mental health of mommas, on a list of “must do’s” for a mom’s survival. What would you add to this list?
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Throw out the phrase “I don’t want to be a burden”
How we were taught to equate community with being a burden is beyond me. With extended families spread across the globe we need to rely more on friends to provide the support we used to receive from living in multi-generational households. Accessing this help, though, means learning to be vulnerable and ask for help, or accept volunteered help.
Moms often respond to volunteers with “I don’t want to trouble you.” The truth is, helping each other makes us feel good and connected. Many of us genuinely love being the helper.
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Learn to lower your standards
Clean dishes are not a sign of a successful woman. Yet after having kids even the most liberal of us suddenly revert to the stereotype of a 50s housewife who feels the obsessive need to do the dishes before bed. Instead, apply the adage: when your kids are asleep don’t do anything you can do when they are awake.
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Find group support, online or IRL
Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram create a very warped idea of what parenting looks like. So warped, in fact, many moms are fearful to join mom’s groups because they think it will be more of the same. Yet mom’s groups can also be a place to find friends, get support, and hear about other people’s toddlers having thirty minute meltdowns in the grocery store. Sharing your war stories and finding out you’re not the only one does wonders for your perspective. If you have specific parenting values that resonate with you, there’s a group for that…
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Be curious about gender roles that don’t serve you
For those in heterosexual relationships, we often revert to traditional gender roles when kids enter the picture: women manage the household and everything in it. But today’s families are anything but traditional, many moms work outside the home as well as in it, and contributing to the family is not gender specific anymore. It’s time to sit down and really take a look at who does what in your family’s day to day. Is the work divided as well as possible? Get specific! (Dr. G even has worksheets!)
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Carve out some time in each day and week that is just for you
I know this one feels so hard, start with baby steps. Ten minutes even. Finding this time will require you doing some of the above, certainly. But what I’ve seen over and over, in my life and in the lives of the moms around me, is that you cannot give what you don’t have. You simply cannot. No matter how much you love and how hard you try, you cannot give support/patience/comfort/calm/play/fun/affection if your well is dry – at least not for long. Find one moment each day when no one asks anything of you, sit and stare at the wall if you want, just give yourself that moment.
Some days will feel like just surviving, it’s true, but these “must do’s” can help more days feel like thriving.
None are easy, all are worth it. If you want to learn more about the amazing work Dr. Sarah Griesemer does with mommas, please visit her website www.psychologycenterofaustin.com
Photography: www.jessicarockowitz.com
