I’m Rachel Nicole Frey. I moved to Austin shortly after I experienced a stillbirth in 2020.
Earlier that year my husband and I were living in a shoebox with no windows in beautiful Santa Monica, California. Did I mention we already had a one year old daughter? Her name is Robyn Grace, she was born on February 15, 2019 the day after my brother, Robyn killed himself (February 14, 2017). I named her after my brother and my husband gave her Grace as a middle name because the literal meaning is “gift from God.”
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It’s September 13th, 2019, I’ve been dealing with postpartum depression and find out I’m pregnant again. Just the day before I was finally feeling ready to tackle the world as myself again. I was in awe and inspired after listening to Molly Shannon talk about her life as a comedian during a private get together my comedy coach arranged in Melrose, Los Angeles. I posted a photo of Molly and I that day. For the first time in months I was motivated to get back into standup comedy after abandoning it for more than a year.
Six months later my family and I are living on a military base in Mississippi temporarily. I’m still feeling depressed but at this point have accepted my second pregnancy because we’re having a boy. I’m with my husband at the doctors office. It’s the first time we’re seeing our son on an ultrasound. Fifteen minutes into the appointment I’m told to go and talk to the OB/GYN immediately. We arrive at the OB/GYN office and two nurses walk by, greet my husband and I but with a noticeably different tone. We get told to go back to a room and meet with an OB/GYN doctor that we’ve never met with before. She asked me to sit down, looked me in the eyes and said “I’m sorry but you’ve had a fetal demise.” At this point I have never heard of this. I’ve read articles and have heard from girlfriends and family members about miscarriages but I didn’t think that after being pregnant for six months and announcing it to all my friends and family in our Christmas cards that this was even an option. I mean we literally just took the announcement photos the previous month and I had no doubt in my mind that this pregnancy wouldn’t be successful. So many feelings and emotions were racing through my body and my response to the doctor was “I don’t believe you, I just saw his little body and everything looked fine. I want to see him again right now please.” The doctor with tears in her eyes said “OK are you sure?” She shows me live images via ultrasound and there he was, his perfect little body with all his fingers, toes, everything, but his head was down and collapsed, no movement at all. I’m in utter disbelief and then the doctor asks me “how I want to deliver him?” Again something I never would have considered. All of this is taking place in Mississippi and because of that I’m not legally allowed to have the stillbirth delivery because it’s considered an abortion. Mind you I am not choosing to remove this child from my body. I’m forced to make an emergency appointment in New Orleans, Louisiana and have to undergo one of the most devastating and morbid experiences I have ever had to go through and the only day they can perform the surgery is on my birthday January 8th.
Fast forward a couple months later, we’re back in Santa Monica and dealing with the loss of our son very differently but both agree that we needed a fresh start. My husband and I decide to move to Austin, Texas in hopes of providing a more welcoming and family oriented environment for our daughter. We had always wanted to move to Austin, Texas. My husband works in cyber security full time as a civilian and part time for the military. Lackland, Air Force Base has the best cyber security unit in the country (based in San Antonio) and because my husband only has to travel once a month for his military commitment it made sense for us to live in a more metropolitan area like Austin.
I started coming out of my denial about the still birth and started talking to doctors and got on antidepressants. I ended up getting pregnant with our second daughter, our rainbow baby Eleanor, “ray of light” and delivered her successfully on January 13th, 2021…the same day my brother Robyn’s only daughter was born.
I am so eternally grateful for my two children. I’m finally feeling the courage to be open about the loss of my son because I want other women to know they are not alone and that they don’t have to deal with a loss on their own.
So who is Rachel Nicole Frey? I’m a college graduate, I have 10 years of experience working in corporate sales, I worked for the government while putting myself through school and have performed standup comedy at The Comedy Store and Flappers in Los Angeles but with all of my accomplishments my main goal in life is to continue my work in therapy and be a healthy woman, mama, wife, sister, friend and teacher to my two beautiful baby girls.
To Austin Moms, I am excited and honored to work with such a reputable group of talented and diverse women. I’m extremely grateful and excited to be a part of this community. Thank you for choosing me to be one of the many amazing ambassadors for this encouraging and authentic band of women and for giving me a platform to share my story. I am not alone. We are not alone. Rock on.
