Are YOU a Helicopter Mom?

Hello Mamas, let me start this off by saying you do what works for you and your family. At the end of the day, all we as want for our kids to grow up to be happy and healthy people who love life. Am I right?

Because I have no clue what I am doing half of the time, my approach may seem wrong to some. I’m fine with that. However, those labels that we all keep hearing about are pigeon holing all of us way too much. I am guilty of labeling other parents without even knowing that I was. For that, I apologize. Also, I know we are all sick of the labels being thrown around, not just by other mothers but everywhere in the media. I would love to be able to say that labels are banned from here on out, but we all know that that’s not happening.

All I can do, then, is take back control of the one placed upon me. Let me explain.

I have always considered myself a hands-on parent. What “hands-on” means to me is trying to be involved in kids lives in order to know and respect their individuality.  Now, to be clear, I have toddlers. Being involved in their everyday is a plan I would love to always keep. In reality this plan will probably be thrown out the car window once they become tweens and be flattened by twenty 18 wheelers when they are teens. I have no doubt that there will be many adjustments in the future.  Those are some tough years and I am clueless of what will happen then. (Props to all the mamas that have made it out the other side…advice appreciated.) All I can do is learn to work through the changes that will come with time while keeping some structure. My hope is that if we are involved since the beginning will help us continue to do so in the future.

Unfortunately, I have been labeled a helicopter mom by people that don’t even know much about me. Do what you will with your label, I will continue to call myself a hands-on mama, because it fits the research I have done.

I know that Hands-on is traditionally used for parents of teens that are truly involved in their lives. The focus in this style is to have set structure in the home such as chores, media usage restrictions and simply being aware of what the child is up to. We all know how even babies need structure to be happy and healthy. There is a plethora of research out there about it that many of us have already read. I really believe that this approach can also be extended to all ages. I am at the toddler stage and will do what I can to apply this way of thinking to our lives.

Here is what I found during my research of the two.  I hope this helps you to see how I see the two styles being different:

Helicopter Parenting is defined as:

a style of child rearing in which an overprotective mother or father discourages a child’s independence by being too involved in the child’s life 

Hands-On Parenting means

 to be involved with and do something on your own, taking an active role. An example of a hands-on parent is one who volunteers and is in the PTA.  

Here are the ways I feel I am more hands-on than helicopter…

Things I won’t do:

I do not discourage independence. I encourage my boys to be free, climb, jump, dig, splash and even try to fly. I am close enough to supervise without them feeling stifled (in fact half of the time they forget I exist), but I don’t stop them…unless there really is something dangerous.

I would never TELL a teacher, parent or anyone else to treat my kids special. People will find out how awesome they are on their own. On the same note, kids make mistakes. We all do. That is how we all learn. I try to make them aware of them so they know and can catch it next time. They will not learn if no one tells them or they can’t figure out how to fix things themselves. Think about it: we all probably experienced some of the same things when we were young.

I would never expect them to be rewarded just for showing up. Sure that is a great start. If, however, it’s a competition and they do not win, it’s not the end of the world. We all lose sometimes (trust me, I know). Make sure they know you are proud of them for trying, though, without the rewards.The most important lesson is to try harder next time, keep practicing and actually WANT it. The rest of it will come with time.

I would never force them to do what I want to do. Now by this I don’t mean chores, homework or all of those things they NEED to do to become responsible adults. I am talking about extracurriculars: talents I wish I had and I am trying to have my kids learn for me. Let them find their passion. The best thing about having so many choices of classes for kids these days, is that they can find where they are comfortable.

Things I will do:

I will do everything in my power to be available to them whenever they need me. We will always make time for family time. Weekends may get crazy later in life, but for now they are ours and we will spend them together. I must add, that because they are so little, they want to play with me sometimes, too. I will take advantage of this excuse to be a kid again for as long as they let me.

Dinners together are a must.  Sometimes my husband works late. Sometimes I have to escape for a girls’ dinner. But one of us is always with them and we sit at the table together to enjoy our meal. Ideally, all of us are together. Hopefully, they continue to like what I make.

I will try to help with homework even if common core scares me to death (is there a book for dummies yet?)

I will let them know that we will be here for them always (even if just in spirit one day). I would like them to know that we never neglected showing them how amazing and loved they are and always will be.

So there you go.  Hands-on Parents encourage their kids to live their own lives while being there to support and encourage them. Helicopter Parents stifle their kids (albeit unknowingly) preventing them from living their own lives by trying to control their choices.

I have always disliked labels and still refuse to even wear clothing with blaring labels as a stand against them. That was my way of rebelling against society as a kid and still holds true (such the rebel, I know, ha). Unfortunately, labels of all kinds exist and I realize now that they can hurt.  This is not to add to label wars. This is to try to show that when we see things one way, they may be seen as something else by someone else. Find your own way. Make your own label. We are all examples of what families really are: people who love each other, support each other and live the best way we know how. Just look into your littles eyes and hear their giggles everyday to remind yourself what is really important!

I wish we could leave the labels where they belong, in the stores. Don’t you?

For quick tips on some indicators for Hands-On Parenting, Click Here.