Parenting From The Sidelines

If you happened to have read my recent piece about why I coach my kids, you probably now know that I’m a bona fide Soccer Mom. You also probably know that I am a proponent of kids playing team sports in large part due to the deep friendships that I gained playing team sports throughout my life.

So while I have been blessed by meeting amazing individuals while playing the sport from my youth to now, I have also met inspiring parents on the other side of the field in a foldout chair at 7:30am on a Saturday with a cup of coffee in one hand and an umbrella in the other. Here are some of the amazing traits that I have seen inspiring parents display.

1)They keep perspective.

Here’s a stat: Approximately 3 to 7% of high school athletes for most sports will participate in collegiate athletics, and only 1% will receive a scholarship.

Let that sink in for a second. Maybe read it again. I learned this statistic from one of my favorite parent-friends who shared it on social media.

So, your kid or my kid might be the 1%, but statistics indicate that s/he will most likely not be a future scholar athlete (ouch). But, s/he will be an amazing future adult. And, during this journey to the unknown it is our chance to teach our children about the power of working hard independently and with others, being committed to a team, learning to cope when their vulnerabilities are exposed and that we love them no more or no less if they made or missed the game winning point.

Kids are going to have lots of wins and losses in life. I have seen parents effectively use sports as an opportunity to teach them that they are loved them regardless during the larger – more important – Game of Life.

These Parents with Perspective (i.e. PWPs as I will refer to them from here forward) seem to have this in their forefront of their mind every time they open their mouth and step foot onto the sidelines.

2) They build their child up.

We’re going to do a little visualization here. Pick some sport or skill that you don’t know how to do. Now, picture yourself having the courage to go take a class or join a team to learn how to do this new skill. Maybe you get a few friends to join you or maybe you are going it alone surrounded in your vulnerability with complete strangers. Now, as you are focusing so hard on learning this new skill and messing up here and there, envision your spouse/your Mom/your Dad yelling at you across the room or the field: “GO FASTER!” or “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” or “WHAT A HORRIBLE CALL REF!”

Unless your child has an undisclosed relationship with Vegas and is trying to throw the game for a big payoff, chances are that they are doing their best and know that they have room to improve. Plus, they do have a legit coach.

Unfortunately, science indicates that our brains have a slant towards retaining and focusing on negative thoughts and comments over positive. How many times do we go to bed thinking of something that we could have done/said differently compared to dozing off patting ourselves on the back for job well done?

PWPs fully understand that kids can hear parents’ jeers over any other voice on the field. Following, you can hear PWPs from across the field supporting every player on the team, including their own. PWPs have this amazing ability to build their child up while being . . .

3) Honest, but not too honest.

Kids know when they did well and when they have missed the target. If we tell our kids that they are killing it when maybe it wasn’t their best game or the best sport for their abilities, do we lose our credibility as parents? PWPs tell me their powerful words that they share with their children to teach coping skills when they might be feeling shame/anger/upset/disappointment/embarrassment/frustration/jealousy.

PWPs focus on effort and improvement and persistence for things that their child enjoys doing (regardless of innate ability).

These PWPs seem to know when to speak, when to play Mama Bear and when to just swoop in with a long, silent hug and let their child know that they love them regardless.

I was watching America’s Got Talent with my kids the other day, and Howie Mandell turned down one of the contestants but closed his comments with: “If this is really your passion, don’t let us stop you.” Love it. If they really are passionate about getting better, PWPs seem to know how to guide their children to improve without telling falsehoods.

 4) They allow their child to choose their activities.

I have to admit that this is one where I will likely have to look towards my PWP models one day. I loved everything about being an athlete in my youth and have to remind myself that sports may not be part of my children’s paths at some point by letting them choose their activities with minimal approval or disapproval every season. I really, really, really love team sports so this may be hard when my one of my kids opts out of team sports altogether because choices do have to be made and time is limited. And, this is their life. 

5) They never – I mean never – critique someone else’s child.

Never have I heard these PWPs shout words of disapproval to their child or at someone else’s child. They are fully aware that nothing can make you want to go Mama Bear like a hungry grizzly in spring than to hear someone else shout at your child. Yes, anyone watching/coaching/playing the game also probably saw the “learning opportunity.”  We know that our child is not perfect, but instincts are fierce. Grrrr. . . 

Conversely, you will hear PWPs say:

• You’ll get it next time.
• Stick with it.
• You’ve got it.
• Keep your head up.
• _____________. (Evidently, PWPs demonstrate that “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all” still applies as an adult.)

6) They are grateful.

I have seen PWPs model manners by thanking the coach at the end of a game or the season. These parents also ask their child to thank the coach and the referees at the end of practices and games. Gratitude is such an important life skill. The children of these PWPs are darn lucky to have such great models.

7) They volunteer.

The Team Parent is often what keeps the team running smoothly. They spend hours creating the schedule and then it goes seamlessly into our phone calendar with the press of a button. They carry a first aid kit and have a spare jersey in their car when your child arrives in the wrong color. They deliver messages to the coach in a calm, concise manner. They organize the events that the kids will remember beyond the playing field. Get to know this parent and give them a gift/thank you card at the end of the season.

So, PWPs, I see you.

I hope that you don’t mind that I lurk around before plopping my chair down next to you. This is strategic. I like your style, your energy, your wisdom and your perspective. A LOT. You inspire me as you seem to know just what this whole team sports thing is about in the Game of Life. 

My children and I thank you for bringing your positive energy onto the sidelines.