Love and Logic Tip #1: Empathy is KEY

We’ve blogged about Love and Logic before and it’s something AMB Co-Founder, Vanessa, is pretty excited to try.  Carrie Williams reached out to us and offered to write three blogs full of Love and Logic tips for AMB readers.  Let’s give her a big AMB welcome and show her some love by “liking” her blog today!

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Hi! I’m Carrie Cothran-Williams of Thrive Parenting. As a mother of three preschool age boys I started using Love and Logic to save my sanity. Then I started facilitating Love and Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun! to keep my skills sharp and fund extra-curricular activities for my boys. I’m excited to join Vanessa and Allison here at Austin Moms Blog for a series of posts related to Love and Logic.

What? You’ve never heard of Love and Logic? It is a fabulous parenting philosophy that encourages parents to see each of their children’s mistakes and poor choices as blessings. That’s right, mistakes are the best way to learn! Preventing your child from making a mistake robs him or her of an opportunity to learn a lesson. It is so much better for little ones to make low-risk mistakes when they are small and learn the value of making good choices when the stakes are low. The older they get, the more complex their world becomes and the greater the risk of a bad choice impacting their life or the life of another for the long term.

The foundation of the Love and Logic philosophy is empathy. This is the very first and most necessary skill taught in the Love and Logic curriculum. This is it: before naming a consequence, lock in a strong dose of empathy. By responding with empathy rather than anger or frustration you send the message that despite what your child did, he or she is good. In order to make good decisions, your child has to believe she or he is a good person. Love and Logic refers to this as building up a child’s self-concept.

What does empathy sound like? It is so simple as to defy reason. Here are a few examples from the Love and Logic Institute:

Ohhhhh….
How sad…
What a bummer…
I know…
Oh man…

When your little one makes a poor choice, first thing you do is empathize! After all, you are sad because it hurts to see someone you love choose to do something that is not beneficial. Empathy allows your child to see you not as the bad guy, but as someone who is rooting for her or his success! Empathy allows your child to look inward rather than lay the blame at your feet.

When do you use it? Here are some common toddler/preschooler issues that empathy can help tame.

Tantrums: Rather than trying to coax, threaten, bribe or scream your child into good behavior, simply use a Love and Logic empathetic statement and move along to another room.

Arguing, Whining and Tattling: Don’t engage in the battle! Simply use your empathetic statement – with an empathetic voice, of course. Repeat as necessary until the child moves along to something else.

Before Any Consequence: When your child makes a poor choice, use your chosen empathetic statement before doing anything else such as taking a toy, sending to time out, excusing them from the dinner table, etc.

I know, I know. This sounds too simple to be true! But it is actually the magic ingredient that makes the other Love and Logic skills work, which I’ll be sharing more of in future posts.

How do you get started, you ask? First, pick an empathetic statement that feels natural to you. Then practice saying it until you can do so in a way that sounds sincere. Then use it PRIOR to the consequences you normally practice. You want to appear calm and serene when dealing with misbehavior. Your child should believe you can handle anything without breaking a sweat. So say your empathetic statement with a smile on your face and then lovingly follow through with a consequence.

Here’s a few examples, sound familiar?

Jimmy: I don’t want this cup, I want my blue cup!
Mom: I know sweetie. The blue cup is dirty.
Jimmy: But I waaant it!
Mom: I know.
Jimmy: Blue cup, blue cup, blue cup!!!
Mom: I know (as she puts the red cup on the table)

Zoe: Mom! Evie is saying a bad word!
Mom: ohhh.
Zoe: Mom! She’s saying it again!
Mom: ohhhh.

Carl: Vrooom! (as he runs the car on the wall)
Mom: How sad. (as she gently takes the car)

Practice makes perfect! Practice your empathetic statement and then start using it. I’ll be back in two weeks with a post on effective choices and turning your words from garbage into gold!

Want more info right away? Check out loveandlogic.com for more resources!