Bribery. Almost all parents have relied upon this parenting “technique” in one situation or another. Here’s a few: getting loaded into the car, eating vegetables, leaving the park, grocery shopping. Then there is the ultimate: potty training. Bribery is often used when we don’t have the ability to make our kids do something. In today’s final post in the three part series (read parts one and two) on Love and Logic skills I’ll be sharing one of my favorite alternatives to bribery, Enforceable Statements. At first it might seem like the same thing, just with a fancied up name. But the difference is the timing and the focus.
Let’s take a basic example and dissect the difference.
This…
Son: Yuck! I hate broccoli!
Mom: Broccoli is good for you. You need to eat it.
Son: I don’t like this. It’s gross.
Mom: Come on. Just try one bite.
Son: No way!
Mom: If you take one bite, you can have ice cream!
———————————————————————-
Versus this…
Son: Yuck! I hate broccoli!
Mom: What a bummer.
Son: I’m not going to eat this.
Mom: It’s your body. You get to decide.
Son: Can I be excused?
Mom: Sure.
Mom: (Getting out ice cream.)
Son: Alright! Ice cream.
Mom: Oh sweetie. This is so sad. I give ice cream to people that finish their dinner.
Son: That’s not fair.
Mom: I know…
Enforceable statements follow a simple fill-in-the-blank formula. There are several versions, here are a few.
Feel free to ___________ after you __________________.
- Feel free to join us for dinner after you have washed your hands.
- Feel free to go outside after you put on your shoes.
I give/provide/loan/buy/etc ______________ for boys/girls that _______________.
- I read books to boys who are in pajamas.
- I help girls who try hard first.
You may ____________________ as long as _____________.
- You may play with that toy as long as you take turns with your brother.
- You may play with that rock as long as you don’t throw it.
Enforceable statements describe what you are willing to allow or provide and under what circumstances. They are descriptive which is helpful to young brains. They are also easy to enforce because you have the ability to change the situation through your intervention. You can take away a toy, or remove a child from the table, or decide to withhold an unearned privilege, or simply refuse to participate in the activity. None of this rides on your ability to make your child do something different from what he or she is doing. It all rides on how you respond to the choice your child made.
Let’s compare bribes and enforceable statements in a few examples:
Bribe: If you brush your teeth, you can have donuts for breakfast!
Enforceable Statement: (at breakfast) Oh man… I give sweet treats to kids that take good care of their teeth. But don’t worry, I’ve got your regular breakfast all ready for you.
Bribe: If you pick up your toys you can watch TV.
Enforceable Statement: I turn on the TV when there are no toys on the floor.
A bribe puts the child in complete control. He or she gets to determine if you have put forth your best offer before deciding whether or not to comply. An enforceable statement allows both parties to have total control over their own behavior. Your child is free to make a poor choice and is then offered the valuable opportunity to learn from her or his mistake. As with all Love and Logic techniques, empathy, follow through and consistency are key. Turn your words from garbage into gold by acting on what you said you would or wouldn’t do. Let your child know you love him or her enough to set loving limits and enforce them, even when it’s hard!
Carrie Cothran-Williams is the owner of Thrive Parenting and facilitates Love and Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun workshops all over Austin. Check thriveparenting.blogspot.com for upcoming sessions. Like Thrive Parenting on Facebook for exclusive offers and discounts!
